Hot new exercises in the squat rack 2016

The gym I go to only has 2 squat racks. One full and one modified. However despite these being the only two places to do squats with significant weight (which I need to do because my boo piece says my butt is so flat I'm like a frog stood up and put on pants). So of course people do all kinds of ridiculous non-squat stuff. So far this year I've seen:

1) military press with 65 lbs

2) pull ups

3) incline bench press

4) curls

5) wrist curls

6) pull ups

7) seated military press

8) stretching with no weight 

Mind you there are only a dozen or so other more proper places to do most of these. And for the most part people don't seem to mind when I glare at them when they do these things and I'm waiting to do some squats. Damn your black hearts. Especially people doing light weight military press.

I am getting dumber

I don't know what happened to my memory but it's a good thing for sticky notes or else I wouldn't remember my own name. Case in point, this morning I needed to bring a bunch of thugs to work in addition to the normal items including a host of holiday cards for people that my wife left right next to my wallet. It was the last thing we talked about before bed and it would be hard to miss them since they were sitting directly next to everything else I need. But I only remembered them when I was well on my way to the carpool yet if the cards been a shark I would have lost an arm picking up my wallet next to them.

It's that kind of stuff all the time though, my memory failure is definitely a feature in most of my life failings. This memory leakage problem is getting more and more troubling. I did however remember to take the donuts into work.

Binding Problems

So I have an old black belt that I stole from a fraternity brother 12ish years ago and I've worn it pretty much daily for those thirteen years. Needless to say during all the ups and downs of weight gain and loss and the wear and tear of wearing only one black belt it's become fairly unstable. So unstable that the snaps that hold the buckle in place sometimes have a tendency to be annoyingly undone when I take my belt off. I've lost some weight lately, which is a good thing, but that means I've been having to buckle my belt one or two holes tighter than it has been, which has caused more stress on the snaps and increased the frequency of the buckle coming off when I undo my belt. With all that back story that leads me to today's story. Today while using the restroom I undid my belt to use the bathroom and my buckle fell off and rattled on the floor into a stall that was currently occupied by the only other gentleman in the washroom. So there I was with a belt that couldn't be clasped, in a men's room where there's no talking, and I wasn't about to reach under the partition to startle some guy taking care of business. So I did the only thing I could think of, finished my business, washed up. And then went outside and waited patiently watching for someone to exit all creepy style until I could go back in and get my belt pieces. So after being super creepy for like 10 minutes I was able to do so but this whole ordeal has me thinking that maybe it's time for a new black belt.

Extrovert

I know someone, and I will try to be non-attributional so as not to out who it is. But this person is such an extreme extrovert that they cannot function without people around. If you are doing something on the same property as them they will ask you to come do work near them. They can't be in a car alone and not be one the phone. During a phone conversation recently there was this particular exchange:
Me - You are an extreme extrovert
Them - That's a big word and I have no idea what it means, I just hate being alone at any time
Me - ding ding ding!

More to follow if they figure out who they are.

This is several months old, pre-wedding diet

You know how when you go get a burrito, either breakfast or otherwise, generally greasy and awful for you. It's almost always an excellent culinary experience on par with the finest of meals available in the vineyards of Provence I'm sure. But generally when you procure such an item, the fine dining establishment typically provides the diner with a choice of at least two sauces to accompany their burrito. Usually there will be a red and green sauce, or a hot or mild sauce, or a chipotle or other chipotle, whatever the case, generally you have two choices. In almost all cases one of the two sauces is far superior to other, it's like how when you have two pairs of workout shoes one is always better than the other.

But what happens when both of the sauces are subpar? I had this happen to me the other day, and let me tell you, it was right up there in terms of stressful and unpleasant situations with stepping on a Lego with a bare foot or scrapping a parked car in a parking lot and it's minor enough that you don't want to leave a note but you feel obligated and then you don't know what to do and then it gets awkward because you are standing there looking at a stranger's car and they could walk up at any second...it's never happened to me but I heard from a friend.   Anyway, when both sauces are bad it ruins your day. It is devastating. And it's a weird devastating because the main attraction of the meal is the delicious burrito, but the sauce is usually a delightful accompaniment, and when it's awful or not there it really throws off the whole experience.  It's like when you go on a really amazing date and you get no necking at the end, just sort of throws it off.  Or when you get a nice steak but the baked potato is awful. It's just offputting.

So please for the love of pete, if you are a burrito manufacturer, have at least one good sauce. Because I don't want my day ruined because you put zero work in on your sauce game. Step it up. It's not that hard, maybe get some Tapatio on tap. Don't ruin my day through sloth.  And that goes for you too hot chocolate that tastes too dark chocolatey, step your game up.

Yard Work Conundrum

So one of the things that happens to you as you supposedly mature is you might buy a house.  Buying a house seems like a lot of work and is a total hassle, because renting is so much easier and also better for you. So foolishly I bought this house, goodness knows why.  And once you buy a house, all the yard work that you weren't doing for the past 10 years comes back to haunt you in a hurry. So now basically all my free time is spent doing yard work.  Which is great and it feels even better when you get things accomplished, or you break new things, or sometimes you think you are done with something and someone swoops in and tells you that a much more advanced and elaborate measure is required to fit the mutual need/use.  During those particular scenarios it is not the best feeling when you've spent blood sweat and sometimes tears doing things, but that is an aside. Doing yard work is physically exhausting, it feels like you spent a bunch of time lifting/moving heavy things and thus should garner the same physical benefits of doing said things at the gym.  The problem is that it doesn't.  You do all the work but it's not the same as doing specific exercises at a gym or weight room.  You may feel like you were moving the whole time for hours but it wasn't the same as doing cardio. After a couple month of this your built up muscle mass decreases because instead of banging out sets of 12 at the gym and sweating all over the equipment and getting swole, you are banging out 12 sets of moving dirt back and forth and getting heat rash. And since you are so tired from doing stuff in the yard, you probably aren't super motivated to go to the gym afterward, or there's no time (some people will be like, "There's always time" and sure that might be true if you are an asshole/cunt, but I'd be willing to bet they don't have 3/4 of an acre of yard to wrestle).

I should have known better, so part of this is an apology to all the guys I hassled in the past about buying a house and then not going to the gym.  You were right and I was wrong, yard work does take up all of your time and energy.  I saw this same thing happen to friends and gym colleagues (bros) when they grew up, and I didn't understand.  Oh how naïve I was, with all my care free workout time.  Instead of trimming rose bushes I was crushing lunges and deadlifts. My days are filled with the firm feel of excess paint smacking me in the face, rather than a boxing glove in the grill during sparring.  Some times my mind harkens back to the simpler days, days less filled with horse poop and moving termite filled plywood, and more filled with Russian kettlebells and yoga.

Fight the power

There have been quite a few changes in my life recently.  I moved into a home with a woman and her two dogs and apparently gave up all my rights to individuality home décor. But nothing prepared me for all the stuff what I would get chastised for when I moved in with a significant other.  For example, apparently it's not ok to just add decorations or useful things around the house, they have to be pre-approved and match with the way the home is designed to be shown. Also if someone is hosting a bachelorette party at your house the first weekend you are living there, you have to leave and go stay with a friend. Thirdly, apparently it's not ok to hate on any silk sheets that may be on the bed. Lots of stuff. But little did I know how quickly I would become accustomed to it.

When I was using the restroom the other evening, I ran the current toilet roll out of paper, so I replaced it and rehung the new roll.  I hung the roll in the underhand manner, and at the time I guessed that someone in my household couldn't help but make a comment about how we don't hang toilet paper rolls in such a fashion.  Sure enough within 15 minutes I was being yelled at from the bathroom and informed that we don't hang the toilet paper in such a manner in this household. Which is an amazing bit of foresight for a man, since mostly we would never think about that kind of thing.

This means one of two things, either I'm gettign smarter, or, far more likely, my brain is trying to rebel against the oppresive power without my consent. If it is my rebellious subconcious, we can expect things that will fight the "man" keeping me down that are both subtle and inconveniencing. I can't imagine the depth of the sneaky things my brain can get up to when I'm not aware, such as putting dirty dishes in a dishwasher full of clean dishes, rearranging the pillows on the couch/bed, deleting saved shows from the DVR.  Who knows what my subconcious will get up to, my rebelious spirit can't be quenched all the way, even if I want it to.  How can I be to blame if the guest room door gets left open and the dog sleeps on a bed she's not supposed to?

Spidies are tricksy

This is actually a post from my friend Katie W. and it's a story about her mortal combat with a spider in her house.  Generally I don't hate on spiders, I hate on milipedes and centipedes, which I find far more frightening! I'm not saying I'm not man enough to take down a spidy, I am.  But I'd rather they eat the other bugs, but I digress, here is the epic story of one mother’s epic battle to overwhelm her opponent:

“Here is what happened to me last night:

I was watching tv and a huge brown spider skittered across the fireplace. It totally made eye contact on its way by. My first thought - eep! My second thought - I have to kill it before it gets hungry and eats the cat or the baby.

I got out of my favorite chair without breaking compound eye contact and picked up a flip flop.

I decided the flip flop wasn't sturdy enough to kill the humongous creepy spider. I reached very slowly and cautiously for the welder's gloves on the mantle. The spider inched into a deep mortar line in the fireplace and hunkered down.

I donned the glove, flexed the flip flop, and poked at the bricks in an attempt to threaten the spider out of its crack.  It laughed at me. So I fake swatted at it.

It went 'oh shit, she means business' and took off across the fireplace like a cheetah (0 to 60 in approximately 2 seconds), turned the corner, and stopped before the fireplace meets the wall. Smarty-spider-pants apparently is evolved enough to know he'd be easy pickings on the wall.

What an effer.

I tried to work up the nerve to squish him with the hand in the glove, but I was too scared of him. Instead I settled for faking another flip flop smack in the hopes of luring him closer to optimal crushing distance. He ran again (yes! just like I'd planned!!) and then stopped right on the effing corner of the brick.

Dammit.

I dropped an f bomb out loud and decided to go for it. I readied the flip flop, wound up, and swung. Wouldn't you know it?! That beeatch freaking ninja flipped off the brick and disappeared somewhere. Maybe in the bucket of train depots... Maybe under my favorite chair... Maybe back into whatever hellish crack it came out of.

All I know for sure is that it's out there somewhere in my house plotting its revenge.

Today I am carrying my flip flop everywhere I go.”

Excellent stuff  Katie, I wish you well in your triumph over this clever opponent.

How did they know?

So I rarely pay any attention to facebook ads, but I've had one pop up a number of times that not only piques my interest, but takes every fiber of my being to not fall into the trap.

Yes that's right, Bret the Hitman Hart glasses of my very own.  Sometimes Facebook knows you pretty well...I don't even watch wrestling, haven't in years, but somehow Facebook has been able to figure out that by tapping into my 10 year old mind and desires they can almost (and by the skin of my teeth almost) get me to purchase some shiney wrap around glasses that a old WWF wrestler used to wear. It's creepy odd too because I don't watch "professional" wrestling at all anymore and haven't for years and years. But somehow facebook is tapped into my soul

I've seen the ad about 5 times, and I've gone as far to see what they would cost (like $20 for 3 pairs...which seems pretty reasonable...).  I've even added them to my cart once but didn't finalize the purchase. It takes all of my willpower to not buy these stupid glasses.  Why can't Pintrest teach girls to do useful things like make sunglasses from some obscure wrestling reference for their boyfriends.

I feel so safe

So at work all day we've been getting these loud security pop-ups telling us about an emergency at another base near ours. On the bottom of the notification, which blinks and causes a siren sound to happen, there is a think that you have to click to acknowledge and then another link to click for more information.  Clicking the link for more information causes a website to pop up that doesn't get past our internet security program.  So to put that in context, an urgent security problem is happening, and we can't get to the information provided by the local base security because our internet security doesn't allow us to visit the security office web-page for possible life saving information.  In the meantime every 20 seconds someone else gets another loud security alarm on someone's computer nearby telling us there is a dangerous thing going on that we can't find out about.  Good times,

Sequestration and the Continuing Resolution

Look, if I see one more ignorant comment on the subject people are going to get hurt. I understand some of you may not like the federal government and are ok with it getting cut, I understand some people are not for these things, I don't care either way.  But what the Department of Defense has been told, is that these cuts mean the following things to their civilian employees:

1) If they stand, they will be forcing us to stop working one day a week for 22 weeks which effectively cuts my (and other DoD workers) salary by about 20% for those 11 odd pay periods. That ends up being about 10% of my yearly salary. Not 2%, it will be about 20% a paycheck. Kindly take 20% out of your paycheck for 22 weeks and let me know if you are ok with it.

2) DoD employees will be receiving less benefits and less time off. We don't get accrued leave or other benefits during the ~44 days we're not working. It's like free vacation except I don't get paid or get any benefits on those days off.

3) There is no new hiring so you can't replace people who retire or move or anything.  So it's kinda restricting for those people with career goals.

Anyway, hopefully it will all get settled, if not then I'm going to be poorer for the experience.

Christmas Quiz

Via my co-worker from this website: http://xmasfun.com/ChristmasSongTrivia.aspx

1.      How many  times does  Santa check his list?

2.      The Grinch is as cuddly as a______?

3.      Good tidings to you and all of your what?

4.      What does Alvin want for Christmas in The Chipmunk Song?

5.      On the eleventh day of Christmas, what did my true love send to me?

6.      What do Janice and Jen want for Christmas in the Song It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas?

7.      In the movie "Miracle on 34th Street", a man is on trial for claiming to be Santa Claus. What convinces the judge to rule in the man's favor?

8.      How many gifts would you receive if you received all of the gifts in the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas"?

9.      What is the name of Tiny Tim's father in the story, "A Christmas Carol"?

10.  The name of Scrooge's deceased business partner in Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol was?

11.  In The Polar Express movie, what word does the conductor punch into the ticket of "the young man with all the questions"?

12.  What is the name of the rabbit in the magic hat in Frosty the Snowman?

13.  Who narrated the original 1966 TV show How The Grinch Stole Christmas?

14.  What was Dr. Seuss' real name?

15.  Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings." (Name the Movie)

16.  It's a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club."(Name the Movie)

17.  "Uh, since the United States Government declares this man to be Santa Claus, this court will not dispute it. Case dismissed." (Name the Movie)

18.  "Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen." (Name the Movie)

19.  He never got his picture on bubble gum cards, did he? Have you ever seen his picture on a bubble gum card? Hmmm? How can you say someone is great who's never had his picture on bubble gum cards?"(Name the Movie)

20.  What did Frosty The Snowman have for a nose?

Answers (Scroll Over to read)

1.      Twice

2.      Cactus

3.      Kin

4.      Hula Hoop

5.      Eleven Pipers Piping

6.      Dolls that will talk and will go for a walk

7.      US Postal Service delivers mail to him

8.      364

9.      Bob Crachit

10.  Jacob Marley

11.  Believe

12.  Hocus Pocus

13.  Boris Karloff

14.  Theodor Geisel

15.  It’s a Wonderful Life

16.  National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

17.  Miracle on 34^th St.

18.  Home Alone

19.  Charlie Brown Christmas

20.  Button

You know those caution signs?

The ones they put up to make you aware the floor is wet or there are construction  workers nearby? Well I was paying so much attention that I walked into the sign and knocked it over on accident.  That's how cautious I was being, I kicked over a caution sign...maybe it wasn't bright and yellow enough or maybe I was busy protecting stuff.  But I punted that caution sign pretty hard.

Food Quiz I got 14 and the bonus right

 1.  Customarily, what type of sauce is often served with roast beef?

a. Cranberry

b. BBQ

c. Horseradish

d. Tomato

2.   For 177 years, until 1936, Guinness brewed all of its stout in what city?

a. London

b. Glasgow

c. Dublin

d. Belfast

3.   Which of these is a monstrous Mesopotamian dragon, rather than a type of cheese?

a. Gorgonzola

b. Asiago

c. Tiamat

d. Havarti

4.   This seed not only gives us linen, but when we eat it, it reduces our cholesterol and helps prevent heart disease. What seed is this?

a. Bran

b. Flax

c. Cotton

d. Silk

5.   From the Russian word for "self-brewer", a samovar is typically used for what item?

a. Tea

b. Vodka

c. Caviar

d. Salad

6.  Often blended with Cabernet Sauvignon, what red wine gets its name from the French word for a little blackbird?

a. Zinfandel

b. Bordeaux

c. Merlot

d. Chianti

7.   This fruit was once called a raisin, which explains why Christmas pudding is named for it, even though you don't use it to make Christmas pudding. What fruit is this?

a. Peach

b. Pear

c. Plum

d. Pomegranate

8.   In Chinese cuisine, what is "fragrant meat"?

a. Rotting fish

b. Animal guts

c. Dog meat

d. Tofu and peanuts

9.   In a kitchen, what are you doing if you are attempting a bricolage?

a. Mixing whatever you happen to have

b. Cooking with skimmed milk

c. Fixing your appliances by yourself

d. Setting your food on fire

10.   Abalone, hedgehog, lobster and oyster may be tasty animals, but they are also all types of what food?

a. Cheeses

b. Mushrooms

c. Cherries

d. Apples

11.   A white Russian cocktail consists of coffee liqueurs, vodka and which of the following?

a. Milk or Cream

b. Coke

c. Ginger Ale

d. Coffee

12.   Traditionally, caviar is obtained from what fish?

a. Perch

b. Sturgeon

c. Bass

d. Shark

13.   What type of food is Port Salut?

a. A Fish Dish

b. A Cheese

c. A Beef Dish

d. A Rich Dessert

14.   Hollandaise sauce is made from butter, vinegar, seasonings and what other ingredient?

a. Milk

b. Sour Cream

c. Egg Yolks

d. Cheese

15.   What cocktail is a mixture of rum, coconut milk and pineapple?

a. Pina Colada

b. White Lady

c. Singapore Sling

d. Caesar

Bonus Question:

What is Kopi Luwak made of?

 A. Gourmet Coffee made from the excrements of an Indonesian cat like creature

 B. Fresh raw heart of an Icelandic Sea Bird

 C. A bottle of rice wine made with a venomous snake inside

 D. A boiled fertilized chicken or duck egg

 E. Fried Tarantulas from Cambodia

Scroll over for answers:

1. C

2. C

3. C

4. B

5. A

6. C

7. C

8. C

9. A

10. B

11. A

12. B

13. B

14. C

15. A

Bonus Answer:

A

Impossible TV Show Theme Lyrics Quiz

I got 6/16, I’ve never seen some of the answers….Provided are the 1st lines to a variety of TV theme songs. . . .Name that tune!

1.       When I wake up in the morning and the alarm is out of order I don’t think I’ll ever make it on time

2.       Makin your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got

3.       Show me that smile again, don't waste another minute on your cryin'

4.       Tell me why, I love you like I do, Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you

5.       Boy the way Glen Miller played, Songs that made the hit parade

6.       Streaks on the China, never mattered before, who cares.

7.       Now, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum

8.       I bet we been together for a million years,  And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

9.       Look at what's happened to me, I can't believe it myself.

10.   They're creepy and they're kooky, Mysterious and spooky

11.   Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed

12.   Thank you for being a friend

13.   Well we're movin on up, To the east side.

14.   Come and knock on our door

15.   Baby, if you've ever wondered, Wondered whatever became of me,

16.   One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Scroll over the answers to see:

1. Saved by the Bell

2. Cheers

3. Growing Pains

4. mad about you

5. All in the Family

6.  Mr. Belvedere

7.  Different Strokes

8.  Family Ties

9.  Greatest American Hero

10. The Adams Family

11. The Beverly Hillbillies

12. Golden Girls

13. The Jeffersons

14. Three's Company

15.  WKRP In Cincinnati

16. Laverne & Shirley

I was thinking my fingers didn't hurt enough

Try this.
(That means click the blue words!)

I got it this morning from a friend, I did 79 words per minute with zero errors, which apparently makes me better than 80% of the people on that site, my friend Robert did 144 words per minute which is like in the 99th percentile .   I did the best in my office so far until Ginger does it again and gets more words right because she is faster than me but she just types less accurately.  I wish I was faster at typing, my slow fat fingers can't do it as well. Also as someone mentioned, they'd like to know how much their heart rate went up.  Also, I know there's not much reason to type fast because being a secratary is a skill lost to the ages but I still wish I was faster.

A Deeply Personal Story

So the other morning I woke up, went through my normal routine of doing some pushups and crunches and squat thrusts.  Then I moved to the bathroom and did my various things there including shaving and then got in the shower.  There was nothing special about any of these things for any normal day of the week. After about three minutes in the shower I was startled by the sound of a quarter hitting the tub....

I'm not sure where the quarter came from, I'm not sure what motion dislodged the quarter, I can't imagine having a quarter on/inside my body and not being aware.  What I am concerned about is that it took me multiple minutes of exercise and moving around and finally showering to get the quarter off me.  I'm also slightly concerned about where the quarter came from because I'm like 90% sure I didn't have any money on any of the ledges in my shower.

The night before I'd done laundry in the Laundromat but as far as I'm aware all quarters used stayed in my pocket. As far as I'm aware I haven't consumed any quarters and even if I had the coin was a little too clean for that. I'd like to think my butt was sensitive enough to let me know if it was getting violated by a metal twenty five cent piece. So the question remains, how did the quarter get to wherever it was? What was it doing there when it got there? When did the quarter begin hiding itself on my person? How did it get so deeply lodged that it took me three minutes of showering to get it to fall?

Mystery for the ages I guess.