Para doom

Saturday morning I woke up at about 5am and was laying in bed considering reading till it was time to go to the gym and play racquetball. A little before 5:30 the side of the house started rumbling. Slowly at first but in very short time it was shaking the entire side of the house and I thought my window was going to break, mind you I live in the basement so the idea of something shaking the basement walls is pretty ridiculous. I could also hear the sound of somebody's bed hitting the wall with fairly rhythmic timing. I naturally assumed someone upstairs was having fun with their pants off and that it was just a little more exuberant fun then normal. It was also a little bit early for any of my roomates to be awake but I figured that maybe they woke up early and were feeling a bit randy so other then them shaking the side of the house so hard they they nearly cause damage I didn't think much of it. So after about a minute it stopped and I picked up my book and began reading and when it was time I went to the gym and "played" racquetball, although I was terrible so more appropriate verbiage would be "sucked at".

When I got home my roomates were just stirring so I went to go make fun of whomever it was that moved the house at 5:30 in the AM. One roomate had his girlfriend over but he said he had nothing to do with the commotion, so I poked my head in my other roomate's room to find him balled up in a corner of his bed with the lights on. I asked him what was going on and he said that he had night terrors and it had scared him so much that he had shaken the entire house in his nightmare. I asked him what his nightmare was about and he told me that it was about giant centipedes. Giant centipedes...that might be the scariest thing I've ever heard. I happen to have met plenty of non-gargantuan centipedes and they creep me out. For one they look terrifying, and second they are fast, lightening fast. One time I turned on the light in my room only to watch a centipede go from the middle of my back wall to the window across the room in like a second. With my firsthand dealings and acquaintances with these bugs I can tell you that hunting them is dangerous and creepy, so I have no problem with my roomate being scared by enlarged versions of these monsters.

Just the thought of a centipede crawling on my raises the hairs on my neck. The thought of being chased by it's larger cousin is simply terrifying. It's just one more thing to keep me up at night (oh like I totally need help with that). My roomate said that in addition to being chased by the centipedes he also had to ride on cowboy style...ick. No chance you would ever get me to do anything but shoot a giant centipede with a rocket launcher. It's possibly the most terrifying dream I've ever heard of or imagined. Far more terrifying then the dream that you woke up late for a test well after you graduated college. Nothing with giant multiple legs and segments is trying to chase you in that dream, all you have to face there is failure which can be faced in non-dreams every day. The worst part is that what if my roomate turns out to be able to see into the future. Then in the not to distant future we're going to have to be able to deal with these nightmares. That's why starting today I've decided to stock up on industrial quantities of insecticides and also lubricant. The insecticide is for the giant bugs, the lubricant is for personal use...just kidding...about one of the two...guess which one?

Giant fear inducing bugs aside, I felt bad for my roomate so I took him to lunch at an all you can eat Indian buffet and patted his hand while we talked about rainbows and fluffy bunnys. Giant man eating fluffy bunnies that have teamed up with the centipedes to eat us all.



Below is a link from The Onion. I love The Onion and this article is especially hilarious because I've had thoughts similar to this.
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/this_is_the_point_in_the_blow

Laziness taken to an extreme level

I'm wearing a suit today, which isn't so weird because I wear suits pretty often. But normally when I wear a suit it is because of something special going on at work, a meeting or something. Today however I'm wearing a suit because I was too lazy to pick out a pair of dress pants and shirt and match them with a tie. I was getting dressed and my mind wondered what the heck I was going to wear and I decided to wear a suit because it requires absolutely no independent thought other then picking out a tie (I'm wearing a solid black tie today). "Huh, I wonder which pants I should wear today...aww fuck it I'm just going to throw on this suit, I'm to lazy to play a matching game." You have to be pretty lazy to actually end up getting more dressed up then you would normally to avoid work. It's like if you were too slothful to go out and get something to eat so you ended up cooking an elaborate 3 course meal. It is difficult to come up with other similes for this but I think you get the point.

Different dress shirt makers have different qualities from other dress shirt makers. The shirt I'm wearing today is made by a company who makes the sleeves on each shirt longer then normal and also makes the shirt longer at the bottom. Normally this wouldn't be a problem...The suit I'm wearing is strangely tailored in several different aspects. One of the oddities is that the sleeves are shorter than any other dress jacket I wear. This combined with the shirt I'm wearing makes it look like I'm wearing a jacket that is drastically too small, and the shirt I'm wearing has sleeves that are far too long. I actually knew in advance that both articles of clothing had these oddities, and was a cognisant enough to fix this in advance or plan ahead? No, I was too preoccupied with being lazy to put 2 and 2 together, so now I look silly to those who are paying attention.

Great story right?

Zippers

I realized while walking through the snow on the way to work that I was wearing maybe the most zippers I've ever worn at one time. I had on 11 zippers, 13 if you could my backpack. 6 on my jacket, 4 on my fleece, 1 on my jeans. It occurs to me that maybe I should have outfits with more zippers then 11. I mean I could easily have another 2-3 on my fleece and jacket, and maybe get some jeans with zippers for pockets, and maybe I could get some boxers with a zipper? Maybe some zipper based gloves. I have no idea why this occured to me, I'm curious now about how many zippers people have worn max in everyday outfits...Maybe i'll dedicate my life to finding out about people who wore an outfit to work with 20+ zippers.

Edit- My fortune cookie at lunch gave me this cryptic message, "Your luck has been completely changed tobay." No idea what that means, and it's not a mispelling on my part. I've got to find out what "tobay" is, or when...I don't think it has anything to do with zippers, or does it?

Necessity is the mother of invention

I was walking through the mall today on my way to get a milkshake (obvious right, because cold weather + snow = milkshake time. Not to mention that I just found out that thursdays are "Thirsty Thursdays" when all shakes are 1/2 off) when I saw something that I've seen a number of times before. A man with a walker who had cut up tennis balls on the back two legs.

I'm not critical of the practice, it must certainly provide some sort of benefit or else nobody would ever do it. But I actually think that I see more walkers with tennis balls on them then not. Which raises the question why doesn't the company or companies that manufacture walkers change their design to encorporate something like cutting out two tennis balls provides the user. I mean it would only make sense right? If I owned a business and saw people making fundamental changes to the things I sell I would change the product to fit their needs.

It makes you wonder if something far more dire is going on. Is there a bloodpact between old people and tennis ball manufacturer's that makes former tennis players have to find inventive ways to use their tennis balls once they are unable to continue the sport? Are the walker barons (owners of walker making businesses) bound by principle that they will not yield because of a design once thought perfect? Is there a law on the books that forces all walker users to place tennis balls on the back legs of their walkers of be in defiance of the law? Does that mean that there are wandering packs of people using illegal walkers? Groups of elderly people roving the earth trying to capture all of my lost or unused tennis balls? Because if so I'm scared, and you should be too.

I kill you

Note to people living with me. Please empty your beer/champagne containers before you put them in the recycling bin. That way when I take it out at o'dark thirty this morning my right leg doesn't smell like stale alcohol all day. Sure I know what your thinking, that recycling bin is so jacked up it won't matter if I leave liquid in it because it will just leak out on the floor! Well this time it didn't, and now I get to smell like a wino all day.

Some other things that have come to my attention:
1) I'm losing my hair, and it's time to get real about my receding hair line. For example I need a haircut on every part of my head except the top...
2) I badly need a haircut. Especially because I'm beginning to look like I have one of those sweet receding hairline mullets.
3) I am so lazy right now it's not even funny. Too lazy to shave, fold my laundry, play video games, eat properly all the time, get my hair cut, go on dates (ever), etc. I don't remember a time in my life when I felt less motivated, it even carries over into things like my blog, I've got like 4 or 5 half written blog posts. My energy has just been sucked dead the last couple of weeks and the cause could be lack of sleep, but you'd figure that might have manifested itself before now as a problem.
4) The dog doesn't like me :(
5) I need to water my plant this evening but when I get home I will forget or be too lazy.
6) OH GOD I'M LOSING MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!
7) I hate Christmas music already this year and I've still got aways to go.
8) I've had a headache for like 6 days straight and it's annoying.

Free Tie

On windy days like today wearing a tie can be hazardous, and most people wear a tie clip or something else to make sure their tie stays in place. Well not me, I prefer to free tie (the tie equivalent of free ballin') and let my tie do what it pleases. It flutters in the wind over my shoulder without restraint and in open defiance to the establishment and the man. It's like if I had long hair in the business world except in this case I let my tie be the long hair as it sways in the strong winds. You pigs will never make me keep my tie in an orderly fashion, I will never submit to your conventional tie wearing styles. I'm going to keep wearing my tie how I want, and let it do what it wants. I'm such a rebel it is scary, I know just by reading this you are afraid of my independent and anti-authority tie wearing conventions. Well I ain't never gonna stop baby, not for you, not for anyone, my tie is going to live free as long as I draw breath in this mortal world.

Uhh...thanks?

Saturday night I went to the grocery store to get dinner and some other sundries (for information on my life read between the lines here, I was getting dinner, by myself, on a Saturday night). I picked up some precooked chicken and some other things and went to checkout. As the cashier rung up the chicken she looked at me and asked, "Have you ever had this before?" I naturally assumed that she was about to endorse how good this chicken was about to be because I've never had someone who I was buying something from tell me something negative about my food purchase.
"No, why?" I responded.
"Because it is the worst chicken I've ever had."
"Oh...thanks I guess."
"Oh I mean, well maybe you will think it's good, who knows maybe I just got a bad batch."
"Uhh yeah, if it sucks I'll put it in a salad or something."
Then she checked me out and I walked out with my terrible chicken.

She didn't give me the opportunity to go get something else. She just told me that I had made a terrible selection, how bad it was, and let me waddle out the door on my merry way. Well fuck me very much for your opinion on my food selection even though it may prove correct. I think there's a reason nobody has ever told me something discouraging about a food product I was about to consume from their store, it's because my expectations would be automatically lowered before I even took a bite.