A man once told me, "There are two kinds of people in this world, those who tie their shoelaces every time they put on their shoes, and those that leave them tied so they can slip them on again easily." The moment he said that I thought it was very profound, a deep look into the human spirit and a broad sweeping generalization of the world. The statement was brilliant in its simplicity but divine in its elegance and meaning. That lasted about two seconds before I started poking holes in his theory.
"What about people who wear sandals? They don't tie their shoes."
"I'm sorry what?"
"And what about the people who don't wear shoes. Because there are plenty of people in the world who don't have sneakers or anything with laces."
"I think you are being too literal minded about this."
"I think you are a fraud! There are way more then two types of people in this world when it comes to how they wear their shoes, you need to shape up or ship out buddy"
It was at that point that the bartender gave me another beer and I went over to the corner by myself to cry. My image of a duality world theory shattered once again. Here are some other theories that I have seen put to rest very quickly, they all start with, "There are two types of people in this world..."
"doers' and 'watchers'..."
Oh yeah what about people who assist the doers but don't actually do things themselves, and what about people who just plain don't care.
"those who accept dogma and know it, and those who accept dogma and don't know it." - G.K. Chesterton
I would like to point out that there is in fact people who know dogma and don't accept it, they're called atheists, deal with it."
"good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. "- Woody Allen
Funny, but wrong nonetheless.
"those who do the work and those who take the credit." - Indira Gandhi
Oh yeah? What about those people who don't do any work and don't care about getting the credit, there are plenty of people who find their niche and just sit tight. They don't worry about credit or not.
"one uneducated and coarse, which always places utility before honor, and the other, humane and civilized, which places honor before everything." - Cicero
Frankly there are people who outright just don't care about honor or utility, but some of the most honorable people I know never stepped foot in a school.
"those that like Candy Corn and those that don't"
In my case I sometimes like candy corn, sometimes I find it repulsive.
" those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't."
What if I think there are sometimes two kinds of people and in other regards there are not...
The only statement I have ever found to be applicable is from South Park, say what you will about them, but sometimes they hit the nail on the head. "There are only two types of kids in this world, those who like Animaniacs and those who don't, which one are you?" You may never have seen Animaniacs, but rest assured if you did, you would either like it, or dislike it. There may be no more polarizing force in the universe.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Makes me smile
http://sport.guardian.co.uk/golf/osm/story/0,,2260273,00.html?gusrc=rss&feed=fromtheobserver
It's stuff like this that makes me really happy. Completely frivilous and unecessarily odd lawsuits filed by a convict. This guy has a real imagination.
It's stuff like this that makes me really happy. Completely frivilous and unecessarily odd lawsuits filed by a convict. This guy has a real imagination.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Excellence
It's very rare that you see real excellence in your life. A performance that is so breathtaking that you can't shake it from your consciousness. How often has someone scored 100 points in a professional basketball game? How often have you seen a pitcher throw a perfect game, or someone act so perfectly in a movie that it seemed like you weren't watching a movie at all. How many excellent plans work perfectly and create amazing success? How often do you see someone win all the events in American Gladiators and then go wreck the travelator for victory? How often do you read something that is just mind blowingly excellent (certainly never here)? How often do you ever see true excellence?
That's why it brings me great pleasure to relate a story of excellence the likes of which I don't believe I've ever seen before. I'm writing this about my waiter Juan last week at Chevy's Mexican Grill. When I walked in for lunch and saw that Juan would be our waiter I had reservations (double entendre!). He looked a bit scruffy, maybe a bit tired and I thought I was in for a predictably mundane restaurant experience. I wasn't prepared for the unbelievable level of waiting I was in store for, a level of excellence I have never experienced before. He was quick to get our orders and drinks and he didn't even write them down. He was concise in his questions and got our drinks quickly. We never had to ask for him to refill our chip basket because there was already a new basket waiting for us before there was any chance of it becoming an issue. Drink refills? Don't be silly. That was child's play for Juan, who masterfully brought fresh drinks before anyone had a chance to think it. Our meals came out fresh and quick and were handled directly by Juan himself who needed no assistance from any of the other wait staff. Juan brought our check with aplomb and without any flourish or prompting from us. He simply smiled, and asked, "Do you need anything else? I'll take that when you are ready. Just put it down on the table." Then he sauntered off to do his magical work elsewhere. The second my credit card hit the table he picked it up, charged it, and I was signing the tab in seconds. Oh, and he brought us new drinks before he dropped off the check for me to sign, without being asked. They must have materialized in his magical hands because the whole process couldn't have taken more then 20 seconds.
Juan, you are the golden standard by which I will judge all waiters and waitresses in the future. The story of your excellence will be passed down to my children and hopefully my children's children. If I have my way it will become a movie, "The Legend of Juan: The Golden Waiter". It will star Antonio Banderas and feature a score by John Williams, we'll get Ron Howard to direct. The story will be about a waiter who served lowly federal employees and helped cure cancer while he brought more chips, all while facing a overbearing and risk taking boss who would barely give him a chance. He also taught sick school children the joy of dance, music, and laughter. If there is a heaven and I get in, I hope all the waiters are half as good as you were. I will always remember you Juan, and although I think it is unlikely, I hope you remember me. I was the chubby guy in the business suit who gave you a 35% tip, and although that might not seem like much, I already tipped you 100% of my heart.
That's why it brings me great pleasure to relate a story of excellence the likes of which I don't believe I've ever seen before. I'm writing this about my waiter Juan last week at Chevy's Mexican Grill. When I walked in for lunch and saw that Juan would be our waiter I had reservations (double entendre!). He looked a bit scruffy, maybe a bit tired and I thought I was in for a predictably mundane restaurant experience. I wasn't prepared for the unbelievable level of waiting I was in store for, a level of excellence I have never experienced before. He was quick to get our orders and drinks and he didn't even write them down. He was concise in his questions and got our drinks quickly. We never had to ask for him to refill our chip basket because there was already a new basket waiting for us before there was any chance of it becoming an issue. Drink refills? Don't be silly. That was child's play for Juan, who masterfully brought fresh drinks before anyone had a chance to think it. Our meals came out fresh and quick and were handled directly by Juan himself who needed no assistance from any of the other wait staff. Juan brought our check with aplomb and without any flourish or prompting from us. He simply smiled, and asked, "Do you need anything else? I'll take that when you are ready. Just put it down on the table." Then he sauntered off to do his magical work elsewhere. The second my credit card hit the table he picked it up, charged it, and I was signing the tab in seconds. Oh, and he brought us new drinks before he dropped off the check for me to sign, without being asked. They must have materialized in his magical hands because the whole process couldn't have taken more then 20 seconds.
Juan, you are the golden standard by which I will judge all waiters and waitresses in the future. The story of your excellence will be passed down to my children and hopefully my children's children. If I have my way it will become a movie, "The Legend of Juan: The Golden Waiter". It will star Antonio Banderas and feature a score by John Williams, we'll get Ron Howard to direct. The story will be about a waiter who served lowly federal employees and helped cure cancer while he brought more chips, all while facing a overbearing and risk taking boss who would barely give him a chance. He also taught sick school children the joy of dance, music, and laughter. If there is a heaven and I get in, I hope all the waiters are half as good as you were. I will always remember you Juan, and although I think it is unlikely, I hope you remember me. I was the chubby guy in the business suit who gave you a 35% tip, and although that might not seem like much, I already tipped you 100% of my heart.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Bad Omens
It's strange when you have a collective moment of bad fortune with a group of people. Whether all of you break a mirror at the same time, or 5 black cats walk across the path of you and your friends all at the same time, it brings a sense of dread. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. Today at lunch for example all three people got bad fortunes in our fortune cookie. My normal policy with fortune cookies is to keep the good fortunes to myself and not tell anyone in the hopes that it will come true. Bad fortunes I read out and leave on the table for the wait staff to clear. Strange I know but being a beuraucrat I need to have policy to deal with everything, even the occult or arcane. I think fortune cookies fall into the occult category, and wouldn't that be the coolest class ever? Occult Culinary arts? You could make a Mayan calendar cake or a Ouija board cupcakes, and then you could use frosting made from butter from a cow that was the 7th daughter of a 7th daughter of a 7th daughter!
Back to the fortune cookies however. I don't like collective signs of bad luck. I hope that nothing comes of it, but we'll just wait and see. Maybe the bad fortune will show itself when I burn my Tarot cookies! I can't wait for this Occult cooking class! What is my contingency plan for that?Also I want cake, you see the types of things I think about when I want cake. There is no cake, the cake was a lie.
Back to the fortune cookies however. I don't like collective signs of bad luck. I hope that nothing comes of it, but we'll just wait and see. Maybe the bad fortune will show itself when I burn my Tarot cookies! I can't wait for this Occult cooking class! What is my contingency plan for that?Also I want cake, you see the types of things I think about when I want cake. There is no cake, the cake was a lie.
Monday, February 25, 2008
How to lose yourself in 60 seconds
This morning I woke up of my own voliation at about 6:50. I looked at my alarm clock and it read 12:19 PM 8/31/2008. My first thought was, my god! I've inadvertantly invented time travel. My second thought was, I'm late for work because my alarm didn't go off! I looked at the clock and the alarm was set for 6:30 PM. I don't think the clock needed new batteries, but I do think that I work up and attempted to reset the alarm at some point, hence all the weird numbers. I just don't remember it. But wouldn't it be odd if I set my alarm clock to go off at 6:30 PM on 8/31/2008 at 12:19. Either that or something dire is going to happen on that date and time. Who knows, maybe I'll have a really good lunch.
After hating myself for the appropriate ammount of time I got dressed and sat down to put on my socks. I am wearing dress pants, a dress shirt and tie at this point, and I put on a pair of white socks. For a solid minute I sat there looking at my socks trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with that picture. Finally I remembered to switch to black socks. Great way to start a monday morning.
After hating myself for the appropriate ammount of time I got dressed and sat down to put on my socks. I am wearing dress pants, a dress shirt and tie at this point, and I put on a pair of white socks. For a solid minute I sat there looking at my socks trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with that picture. Finally I remembered to switch to black socks. Great way to start a monday morning.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Valentine's Folly
The following is an anecdote about my father. My father is a man of many flaws, much like his son only with less hair. Oftentimes he will shirk personal appointments and relationships to concentrate on work, also much like his son. One of his continual flaws is his inability to correctly prepare for any significant holiday or anniversary. So with Valentine's Day approaching I naturally assumed I would have to help him get a last second gift for his wife. It has happened several times in the past on Valentine's day and other day's of significance (Wife's birthday, anniversary, christmas..etc.) that he has needed me to run around and help him so he doesn't get in trouble. It doesn't always work.
I sat down with my father for lunch on Valentine's Day and to my surprise he was on the ball for the first time that I can remember. He had actually ordered flowers to be delivered to my step mother's office the day before. What he hadn't counted on was the weather, and the snow we got on the night of the 12th left enough ice that she decided to work from home. So my father's pre-planning was ruined. He was forced to go out to the store, buy some flowers, and hide them in the car over night. In the morning he woke up and placed them on the kitchen counter so that she would get them when she came downstairs. His day was saved, it was romantic and all was well right? Wrong.
He calls my stepmother when she gets to work and asked if she got the flowers he sent her the day before. She said no and had to go looking for them. She talked to 2 receptionists, the mail manager, and several other people before finding her flowers. Someone that she works with had taken the flowers off her desk, and placed them on her own desk without leaving a note for my stepmother using some half brained excuse to do so. This woman also happens to be my stepmothers rival. Take a moment to think about how a woman might feel if flowers from her husband were misappropriated by someone else without any notice left behind. Now think about it but the women are rivals. Needless to say she was upset and what had actually seemed like a pretty good plan by my father ended up backfiring through no fault of his own. Oh well, the best laid plans of mice and men. I'll tell you what though, if some bitch ever steals flowers off my desk that my man (joke!) sent me I'll fight her ass on the spot. Won't be no talking, just a good ole fashioned throwdown. I'll choke a bitch for that shit.
I sat down with my father for lunch on Valentine's Day and to my surprise he was on the ball for the first time that I can remember. He had actually ordered flowers to be delivered to my step mother's office the day before. What he hadn't counted on was the weather, and the snow we got on the night of the 12th left enough ice that she decided to work from home. So my father's pre-planning was ruined. He was forced to go out to the store, buy some flowers, and hide them in the car over night. In the morning he woke up and placed them on the kitchen counter so that she would get them when she came downstairs. His day was saved, it was romantic and all was well right? Wrong.
He calls my stepmother when she gets to work and asked if she got the flowers he sent her the day before. She said no and had to go looking for them. She talked to 2 receptionists, the mail manager, and several other people before finding her flowers. Someone that she works with had taken the flowers off her desk, and placed them on her own desk without leaving a note for my stepmother using some half brained excuse to do so. This woman also happens to be my stepmothers rival. Take a moment to think about how a woman might feel if flowers from her husband were misappropriated by someone else without any notice left behind. Now think about it but the women are rivals. Needless to say she was upset and what had actually seemed like a pretty good plan by my father ended up backfiring through no fault of his own. Oh well, the best laid plans of mice and men. I'll tell you what though, if some bitch ever steals flowers off my desk that my man (joke!) sent me I'll fight her ass on the spot. Won't be no talking, just a good ole fashioned throwdown. I'll choke a bitch for that shit.
Friday, February 15, 2008
It's part of the deal.
Part of the reason that I pay a $5 cover to get into your shitty bar that I hate is because you have a band there. A band I presumably would like to see. Now when the band decides to pull out last minute for a medical reason you can't still collect $5 from me. That's how this shit works. It would be like if you went to a bookstore for a book signing that was going to charge people $5 to see the author. But at the last minute the author pulls out and you still charge $5 for people to come into your bookstore. Fuck you and your shitty overprice overcrowded bar, it just reminded me why I don't fucking go there in the first place.
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