I try to only put down mostly positive thoughts in public. I don't always do so well at that but I try, although Yoda would scold me. But the truth of it is that a great deal of my writing and thoughts are negative. Lots and lots of unpublished writings deal with heartbreak and hurt and frustrations about how I feel. Lots of time I do free writings and then go back and edit them and tuck away all these negative things I don't really want other people to necessarily read. I mean, I do want people to read them, but I also don't. I guess I shouldn't be so self absorbed.
The honest truth is I don't have alot to be upset or angry about. I don't have any drama in my life and not much hardship is coming my way. I am not in danger of losing my job and I'm not worried about where my next meal is coming from. I don't have to worry about raising my kids or worry about my own safety. All in all I live a charmed life at this point frankly, so I shouldn't have so much to hate myself for or so much angst about what goes on in my life. It's silly and childish to feel the way I do. But with all that being said I still do spend a tremendous amount of time being critical of myself and everything I do, and it shows up in my writing. It also shows up in my thoughts every night from the time I lay down to bed to the time I fall asleep, which is normally 5 or 6 hours. That's alot of self loathing to go around.
Ther are so many things I wish I'd done. I used to think I don't bear many regrets, I used to believe that you shouldn't have regrets and that you shouldn't worry about what is past, you should look forward. But every day I have hours and hours to reflect on what I've done, where I've failed, and where I could have done things differently. I can't help it, I try to sleep and my mind starts spinning about anything and everything, and with regular certainty those thoughts turn sour and I eat away at myself.
I remember having confidence and charm and interesting things to say to people. I remember thinking that there was nothing that I couldn't beat, or nothing that could stop me. I look back at old things I wrote and things were much more positive, sure there were bumps and bruises here and there but nothing that could stagger or even sway my confidence. I remember having dreams of love, and goals and thoughts of the things I want and having a clear understanding of what it took to go to those places. But now I find myself having accomplished some of the things I thought I needed to do and I find my dreams and goals unfufilled, and now I'm not sure I'll ever see those things I wanted. It drives me to work harder, it drives me to want those things I wanted more, and yet the more I do that the farther away those things seem, always out of my grasp, always elusive. I find my confidence to be non-existant, in it's place is an acting job. Where once there was an undeniable inner power and cockiness, now there is bullheaded self righteousness and impecible morality. Cold hard morality that covers for for my confidence, it is such a bullshit way to deal with things but morality lets you do things like back out of situations or problems you want to deal with because the potential consequences aren't within the moral code or structure you now rely on as you inner core. Where there used to be a call to arms to conquer or challenge life, now exists a shell of compromise and morals that provide an escape route to back down from things and rhetoric to justify it. What happened to my confidence? I know to some extent to where it disappeared, but why do I have none now? Why can't I muster any? Why must I rely on other things to bolster myself into action?
Ha, this probably reads like nonsense, with no rhyme or real justification. I shouldn't even post it. I've run out of steam in terms of trying to explain it or even try to defend the way I feel on this particular subject (me being the subject). Whatever, quit whining Marty.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
25 Things
There's some nonsense chain letter on Facebook going around right now that has people writing 25 things about themselves and then tagging 25 other people so they can do it. Well I would have done this on facebook but I don't need everyone thinking I'm weirder than they already do so I'll just write it here so nobody will read it.
1. I have too many interests spread across the spectrum, I like sports and art and cooking and way too many things. I'm just too eclectic sometimes.
2. Folding laundry is the bain of my existance, I can never do it consistantly and thus it sometimes lays in a pile in my room.
3. I have 14 pairs of shoes, which I think is alot for a guy. I have about 2 pairs I should throw out. 4 pairs for working out including 2 for wrestling/boxing and one for biking. One pair of flip flops, boots, and boat shoes. Two pairs of dress shoes, one at work and one at home.
4. I go to cooking class about once a month or more and I learn to cook these marvelous meals but then I rarely get to cook them since I only ever have myself to cook for.
5. I'm part of the space defense force, we defend the planet from aliens and asteroids, not many people know that about me.
6. I like tons of kinds of music, I don't really have a favorite kind and i'll listen to anything.
7. I've lived about 22 different places in my life. Sometimes I try to count them all in order and I get confused. People always ask me where my favorite place to live was and I don't really have an answer. Each place has it's own unique story or fun things about it, each place has it's problem.
8. I have no connection to San Diego other then my job out here. When I moved out here I didn't know any friends or have any family out here.
9. My friends tell me all the time that I'm too nice, as though it were a bad thing. I don't know if that's true they just tell me that.
10. I'll eat anything, like anything. I didn't always feel that way but now I'll eat any kind of food from any ethnicity on the planet. I also don't have a favorite anymore but it used ot be mexican.
11. My signature is jacked up, it's never the same and if you try to trace it it's not even remotely close to spelling my name. I can literally write my name 25 times on a sheet of paper and it's different every time.
12. I have awful handwriting, but I send people letters and cards handwritten because I think it's more personal and meaningful. Writing hurts my hand if I do it for more then a minute since I broke my thumb and never got it set after the 10th grade.
13. I get less than 2-3 hours of sleep a night, and I never crash for like 12 hours straight. This has been going on for almost 2 years and I haven't found anything that makes it better.
14. I don't drink caffiene almost at all. On the rare occasions where I do have it, it's not a pretty sight and I'm like a super energetic kid. It also makes me feel sick.
15. My favorite sports teams are the Philadelphia Eagles, the Philadelphia Phillies, and the Toronto Maple Leafs. My second favorite teams are the Red Sox, the Philadelphia Flyers, and the Washington Capitals. I don't like any professional basketball teams, I like or dislike individual players.
16. I have a great sweater collection but never use it since I live somewhere so warm. I do have a really nice sweater collection though.
17. I have no problem biking through traffic on my road bike but riding motorcycles or being around them scares me.
18. I dislike scary movies and in fact close my eyes whenever somehting scary is about to happen. I won't even watch them at home when my roomate watches them.
19. I surf the internet too much at work, I need to cut down.
20. I'm terrible at keeping in touch with old friends, I wish I was better because I think about people alot and wish I talked to them, I just rarely do.
21. I want to learn to surf better but I'm afraid of going out there in front of all the cool california surfers.
22. I almost never get angry at people in real life. Most of the time if you see what you think is anger is actually faked. Someone could punch me in the nose or hurt my arm and I wouldn't get mad at them.
23. I overexaggerate more then anyone in the entire world.
24. I like to read science fiction, the problem is that I'll find an author or genre I like and completly read every book in like a week and then have nothing to read. I read very quickly.
25. I think there's only one person in the entire world who knows my true political feelings and how I really think about politics. She always forgets as well. Even my parents and best friends don't know how I feel or vote and I like to keep it that way. If forced to talk about politics I'll become a contrarian and refute everything that's said, even if there are two people in the conversation from different political spectrums.
26. Is completely unprepared for an zombie apocalypse.
1. I have too many interests spread across the spectrum, I like sports and art and cooking and way too many things. I'm just too eclectic sometimes.
2. Folding laundry is the bain of my existance, I can never do it consistantly and thus it sometimes lays in a pile in my room.
3. I have 14 pairs of shoes, which I think is alot for a guy. I have about 2 pairs I should throw out. 4 pairs for working out including 2 for wrestling/boxing and one for biking. One pair of flip flops, boots, and boat shoes. Two pairs of dress shoes, one at work and one at home.
4. I go to cooking class about once a month or more and I learn to cook these marvelous meals but then I rarely get to cook them since I only ever have myself to cook for.
5. I'm part of the space defense force, we defend the planet from aliens and asteroids, not many people know that about me.
6. I like tons of kinds of music, I don't really have a favorite kind and i'll listen to anything.
7. I've lived about 22 different places in my life. Sometimes I try to count them all in order and I get confused. People always ask me where my favorite place to live was and I don't really have an answer. Each place has it's own unique story or fun things about it, each place has it's problem.
8. I have no connection to San Diego other then my job out here. When I moved out here I didn't know any friends or have any family out here.
9. My friends tell me all the time that I'm too nice, as though it were a bad thing. I don't know if that's true they just tell me that.
10. I'll eat anything, like anything. I didn't always feel that way but now I'll eat any kind of food from any ethnicity on the planet. I also don't have a favorite anymore but it used ot be mexican.
11. My signature is jacked up, it's never the same and if you try to trace it it's not even remotely close to spelling my name. I can literally write my name 25 times on a sheet of paper and it's different every time.
12. I have awful handwriting, but I send people letters and cards handwritten because I think it's more personal and meaningful. Writing hurts my hand if I do it for more then a minute since I broke my thumb and never got it set after the 10th grade.
13. I get less than 2-3 hours of sleep a night, and I never crash for like 12 hours straight. This has been going on for almost 2 years and I haven't found anything that makes it better.
14. I don't drink caffiene almost at all. On the rare occasions where I do have it, it's not a pretty sight and I'm like a super energetic kid. It also makes me feel sick.
15. My favorite sports teams are the Philadelphia Eagles, the Philadelphia Phillies, and the Toronto Maple Leafs. My second favorite teams are the Red Sox, the Philadelphia Flyers, and the Washington Capitals. I don't like any professional basketball teams, I like or dislike individual players.
16. I have a great sweater collection but never use it since I live somewhere so warm. I do have a really nice sweater collection though.
17. I have no problem biking through traffic on my road bike but riding motorcycles or being around them scares me.
18. I dislike scary movies and in fact close my eyes whenever somehting scary is about to happen. I won't even watch them at home when my roomate watches them.
19. I surf the internet too much at work, I need to cut down.
20. I'm terrible at keeping in touch with old friends, I wish I was better because I think about people alot and wish I talked to them, I just rarely do.
21. I want to learn to surf better but I'm afraid of going out there in front of all the cool california surfers.
22. I almost never get angry at people in real life. Most of the time if you see what you think is anger is actually faked. Someone could punch me in the nose or hurt my arm and I wouldn't get mad at them.
23. I overexaggerate more then anyone in the entire world.
24. I like to read science fiction, the problem is that I'll find an author or genre I like and completly read every book in like a week and then have nothing to read. I read very quickly.
25. I think there's only one person in the entire world who knows my true political feelings and how I really think about politics. She always forgets as well. Even my parents and best friends don't know how I feel or vote and I like to keep it that way. If forced to talk about politics I'll become a contrarian and refute everything that's said, even if there are two people in the conversation from different political spectrums.
26. Is completely unprepared for an zombie apocalypse.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Speaking of biking...
These are some photos I took on my bike ride home from work. The photos suck because I can't aim a camera to save my life and also I was on the other side of the road. But my ride takes me up and down Mission Bay Drive and it's simply gorgeous, and it is very quiet as there usually aren't many cars since the 5 is right next to the road. So as long as you look toward the bay it's very pretty.
This is the Hill area near the bottom (south) of Mission Bay Drive where lots of people fly kites. In the morning there are two separate workout groups that are there early in the morning. One is run by a guy wearing an army workout uniform and the other is run by a guy with a huge stomach and sometimes an attractive woman. People usually fly kites every day here.
This is the second part of that hill (where people don't fly kites because of trees)
This is a group of trees near a gazebo that is a little bit farther north then the hill. Just north of it is the Hilton Resort which is the only buldings on the drive except for the visitor center. People usually play soccer next to the gazebo you can see there on the left.
This is a parking lot north of the Hilton, I have no idea what I was taking a picture of here.
This is where the bay comes really close to the road, it's close for the whole ride basically but it's within spitting distance at this point. Lots of people walk on that path you can see in between the road and the water.
This is a picture looking north across the bay into Pacific Beach. You can kinda see a trailer park right across the water, and it's the nicest trailer park ever, they have security and fences and all the trailers look nice.
Same picture as the last one but from a different angle. You can see clouds in this picture which aren't there every day. That's also toward the end of my ride by the bay.
So that's about it, it's like this just about every day.
I can't feel my fingers
It's stupid to complain about cold here, because it's not, it gets chilly in the morning but that's about it. Sometimes it gets really chilly, and you don't really check the weather report out here because you can pretty much guess what's coming. Somewhere between about 65-72 with sunshine and maybe a cloud and if you guess that every day you'll be right about 90% of the time. But if it's been a particularly cold night, and you happen to be biking to work in the morning going about 15-18 mph into the wind with the belief that it was supposed to be warmer today (based on what a co-worker said) you could get a little bit cold. So this morning when I left my house wearing all my biking gear and a sweatshirt, my ears and hands basically "froze" and now 2 hours later I'm still cold.
I'd idle up to a heater and warm up like you could back in DC but they don't have such things in my office. It's silly of me to complain about being cold given that it's snowing heavily in other parts of the country so I'll stop.
I'd idle up to a heater and warm up like you could back in DC but they don't have such things in my office. It's silly of me to complain about being cold given that it's snowing heavily in other parts of the country so I'll stop.
Monday, January 26, 2009
What I actually accomplished this last weekend
Given the list I had going into the weekend, let's see what I actually did:
- Go to grocery store----Status: Completed
I will admit that the only reason this task was completed was that I was hungry on sunday mid morning and went by Vons after finishing another errand. I decided since I was there that I should grocery shop for the rest of the week since I was feeling kinda lazy.
- Do laundry----Status: Completed
Again I was bored on saturday evening and went to the bar to play pool and drink while doing laundry. For some reason I generated much less laundry this week than normal.
- Fold Laundry ----Status: Failure
Not only did I not fold my laundry after I was done, it got to sit on a bar stool for an hour or so while I was playing pool (badly) and listening to music in the bar.
- Go buy new dress shoes for work----Status: Completed
This coincided with my hunger and since I had no food at home I was forced to go out to get food, it was at this time that I decided that I could stop by the shoe store and pick out what I wanted before I ate. Luckily my willpower held out and I was able to purchase the dress shoes with all different kinds of textures that make it feel like I have rocks in my shoes at all time.
- Go to the bike store and get a new tire for my road bike---Status:Completed
This errand was completed on saturday after I felt guilty for being a lazy piece of crap and sitting around the house with a hangover all day. Luckily I was drunk when I woke up so I worked out and then the hangover kicked in and I suffered on the couch. But at about 2 I felt like I'd wasted the day so I walked and got a new tire in the sunshine.
- Go to the DMV to register my car----Status: Total failure
The biggest and most important item on my list went uncompleted due to general sloth and laziness.
So all in all it looks like a semi-productive weekend looking at what I wanted to do and what I actually did. 4/6 which might not seem bad, until you notice that the most important things I needed to do were also the ones I didn't do. I award myself no points, and may god have mercy on my soul.
- Go to grocery store----Status: Completed
I will admit that the only reason this task was completed was that I was hungry on sunday mid morning and went by Vons after finishing another errand. I decided since I was there that I should grocery shop for the rest of the week since I was feeling kinda lazy.
- Do laundry----Status: Completed
Again I was bored on saturday evening and went to the bar to play pool and drink while doing laundry. For some reason I generated much less laundry this week than normal.
- Fold Laundry ----Status: Failure
Not only did I not fold my laundry after I was done, it got to sit on a bar stool for an hour or so while I was playing pool (badly) and listening to music in the bar.
- Go buy new dress shoes for work----Status: Completed
This coincided with my hunger and since I had no food at home I was forced to go out to get food, it was at this time that I decided that I could stop by the shoe store and pick out what I wanted before I ate. Luckily my willpower held out and I was able to purchase the dress shoes with all different kinds of textures that make it feel like I have rocks in my shoes at all time.
- Go to the bike store and get a new tire for my road bike---Status:Completed
This errand was completed on saturday after I felt guilty for being a lazy piece of crap and sitting around the house with a hangover all day. Luckily I was drunk when I woke up so I worked out and then the hangover kicked in and I suffered on the couch. But at about 2 I felt like I'd wasted the day so I walked and got a new tire in the sunshine.
- Go to the DMV to register my car----Status: Total failure
The biggest and most important item on my list went uncompleted due to general sloth and laziness.
So all in all it looks like a semi-productive weekend looking at what I wanted to do and what I actually did. 4/6 which might not seem bad, until you notice that the most important things I needed to do were also the ones I didn't do. I award myself no points, and may god have mercy on my soul.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Things I need to do this weekend
Making a list to see how much I actually accomplish this weekend:
- Go to grocery store
- Do laundry
- Fold Laundry (which is an entirely different chore than doing laundry)
- Go buy new dress shoes for work
- Go to the bike store and get a new tire for my road bike
- Go to the DMV to register my car now that it has finally passed inspection
Not too much stuff but we'll see how much I actually get done by sunday evening.
- Go to grocery store
- Do laundry
- Fold Laundry (which is an entirely different chore than doing laundry)
- Go buy new dress shoes for work
- Go to the bike store and get a new tire for my road bike
- Go to the DMV to register my car now that it has finally passed inspection
Not too much stuff but we'll see how much I actually get done by sunday evening.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
What was I searching for?
I came out to San Diego for a reason, I don't always remember what that reason was, but I know I had a checklist at one point. I feel lost sometimes, unsure of what I'm supposed to do or where I should go. It's not a good feeling, in fact it borders on despair. I'm so independant now that I don't really have anyone I want to ask for advice, and even if I did I'm not sure I would listen to them. I know life isn't supposed to have a compass or a map, I'm not sure I even need either, I just wish I knew what I was supposed to be looking for or doing. It makes me feel cold all over to think about such things, it feels like it's about -10 degrees as I'm writing this. I want to find my own way, accomplish the goals that I set for myself, do the things I want to do...it's just that I forget what all those things are. Where did I go wrong? I guess I should have taken a left at Albuquerque.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)