2-in-1 is legit and anything else is uneccessary

There are some things that as a man I just don't understand.  And I'm learning more and more each day that there's more and more I don't understand.  You see, while most women spend their formative years thinking about fashion and hair/nail/skin care, most guys spend those same hours learning how to play sports, or watch sports, or fart/burp/be disgusting/play video games.  So there's a wide berth of knowledge that I'm either outright ignorant about or so completely out of my element that I feel like a sea lion in Barnum and Bailey's circus...wait I can do better than that...I feel like a octopus at a cattle ranch...that's horrible, one more try...I feel like a hyper-liberal bi-sexual fashion designer at a Romney campaign fundraiser trying to raise money to feed jobless inner city able bodied men...still not great.

So for example, if a girl asks if you have conditioner at your house, and you have the 2-in-1 bottle of shampoo and conditioner and answer, "Yes, I have conditioner." You somehow do not have conditioner in that bottle that is clearly labeled 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. I'm no science expert, but when someone asks you if you have something and you can clearly point to a bottle and say, "Yes there's that something in this bottle." That means you have that something. But apparently, even though it says conditioner on the bottle and is clearly labeled and ready for the consumers convenience by combining two products into one handy and efficient product, the correct answer if a girl asks you if you have conditioner is, "No...I have 2-in-1."  Allegedly there's some difference between the conditioner with shampoo and conditioner by itself, and that difference so befuddles men that we have to go to the store and spend money to buy the conditioner by itself, thus leading to having more bottle in our shower, reducing efficiency for all time.  Oh and by the way while you are at it get some shampoo (which I humorously had to take another trip to the store to get, since it wasn't obvious to me that you needed both in separate bottles).

The explanation for needing separate bottles was explained to me that apparently if you are a girl and you use 2-in-1 a magical army of gremlins will make your hair frizzy or something.  I assume it only applies to girls because I've used nothing but 2-in-1 for years and have yet to be assaulted by gremlins or any other magical creature trying to do harm to my hair.  What this says to me is that some of us are being lied to one way or another.  Either A) you need separate bottles of shampoo and conditioner or 2) You can combine the two and save yourself time/money/space/hassle.  And given that I've never had a hair eating dragon split the ends of my hair, I'm betting on what the bottle says.  But even if I'm wrong, when was I supposed to learn about this difference? At what point was my coach/mentor/dad ever going to tell me about this? I don't remember after football practice being told, "Ok boys, hit the showers, and make sure you use separate shampoo and conditioner, we've got a big game coming up."

Also, apparently if your hands are dry you put something called lotion on them as opposed to water?  I don't get it, when was I supposed to learn this things in the normal course of my life? After talking about it with a girl, she challenged one of my guy friends who agreed that 2-in-1 was the way to go and why would we need separate bottles.  Someone explain it to me, or not, all I know is that I now have 3 bottles of stuff in my shower where there used to be one, and I can't for the life of me understand why.

Should have kept my mouth shut

I've been in Massachusetts for the last couple of weeks and originally the plan was for me to fly back on Friday. However, the original plan flew out the window and so the backup plan went into action which allowed me to fly hom on Wednesday.  Yesterday however I called my boss to take off Friday and this conversation occured:
Me: "Hey boss, sitting in the airport now, I'll be in tomorrow, I was wondering if I could take Friday off?"
Boss: "I wasn't planning on having you here, I thought you were flying on Friday?"
Me: *silently "Shit"..."Uhh yeah originally I was but that changed, so I'd like to take off Friday since you weren't planning on having me there anyway."
Boss: "I really need you in the office, what if something happens that needs your attention."
Me: "15 seconds ago you didn't think I was going to be in anyway."
Boss: "I need coverage please come in on Friday."


What the heck? So if I'd never said I was going to be back I wouldn't have been needed on Friday but now I am? Sigh

Harvard is not a place my daughter will go

So I spied this article today:
http://elitedaily.com/elite/slideshows/dangerous-colleges/#?slide=3&_suid=133730028874108111631217679012

And it's pretty grim stuff, but what I did notice is that amongst the most dangerous schools in the country, Harvard, a citadel of learning and ethics, is apparently the rapiest school in the country.  They have the most forcible rapes of any school in the top 10 most dangerous schools in the country.  And not the most per school size, because there are larger schools with less forcible rapes.  I'm not trivializing rape, an awful crime which deserves punishment, but that's a pretty bad statistic.  I wonder if it will make it into Harvard's stats in US News and World Reports rankings. Maybe there is even some explanation for this statistic, maybe a more active women's rights movement or a more vocal female group on campus, maybe the campus police and the local police handle reports of rape differently than the other schools on that list.  I actually pray that's the case, because if it's not, shame on you Harvard. Being the Rapiest School in the Country is nothing to smirk about.

This is the kind of post that could get me in trouble but so be it.

Call my Hotline

I had a great conversation this weekend that proved I can see the future and through time and space, or it's an example of how hilariously lucky I can be sometimes when it comes to inane things. I named the correct answer when there was 100's of possible answers, and if that's not proof I don't know what is. Now for just a small fee, I can find any piece of information that anyone desires given the bare minimum of information.  Below is an exact transcript of the conversation. The names of other parties in this discussion have been changed to protect the innocent.

Crystal: "I saw this movie one time that had this actress in it and it was about stuff.  I really liked the movie but I can't remember the actress who played the role. Also I hate that Venti Green Tea Frappachino you got and I tasted!"

Me: "What was the movie about?"

Crystal: "Things, and she like slept with some dude in the movie."

Me: "Is the actress old?"

Crystal: "She's older but not old."

Me: "Is it Kate Winslet?"

Crystal: "No, that's not right, let me text my friend to find out" *texts friend*

45 minutes later...

Crystal: "It was Kate Winslet in "The Reader"..."

Me: "Aww yeah"

So you see, given the absolute limited amount of information, I was able, in one guess and one guess only, to find out the information the other party required.  I'm like a super google or something.  And now for a limited time you can call my hotline and ask all the greatest questions of the universe, for example:

"Who was that guy in that thing?"

"What was that John Fogherty song about?"

"Nipples on males, what gives?"

"Pandas and their relative evilness, how to stop the coming apocalypse...which is not really a question?"

I'd also like to state for the record that not only have I never seen "The Reader" but I've also never particularly liked Kate Winslet until she wore the below dress at the 68th Venice Film Festival (picture courtesy of WWTDD)

That dress is amazing and it makes me want to date Kate Winslet at the drop of a hat.  It doesn't even matter that the dress has two extremely clever visual deceptions with the black sides and the bust area being a different color. I want to be deceived, do you understand me? The illusion is real to me, in fact it's so real that my mind is screaming for me not to believe it and I'm consciously telling my mind to go elsewhere while my heart and other parts further south take matters into hand (mmm double entendre). And Kate, if you are reading this, I've literally never seen any of your movies, especially not Titanic, but I want you to know that I would appreciate you and treat you in the manner you deserve to be treated and give you a more fulfilling relationship than ever before or again. Also, I can see through time and space...so I've got that going for me. I've never crushed on a celebrity before I saw this dress, but it does strange things to my small male brain.

Back in the Saddle

Alternative titles for this post:
Get bent California
Eat me Taxman
Probably shouldn't have tried California


So the State of California is crazy broke. Which is entirely of their own doing. I've lived here for almost 4 years and I've only filed my taxes once. Why you ask? Because every year I would get a pretty sizeable tax return and I figure the state is better off with my money and also not paying to process my return. And yes I realize that technically I'm in violation of the law for not demanding my tax return from California every year, but that's not the point. However California has gotten pushy about me filing my taxes, telling me that I might owe them money, I got a little miffed and went back and filed all my returns. The total return for the three years I didn't file taxes? $2400. So congratulations California, you hosed yourself out of $2400 that I was perfectly willing to donate to the cause of getting you less in debt. I wonder what it costs the state to process those three returns?

I feel bad for you California, but you brought this on yourself!

Usually wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole

I don't normally talk very much about this subject but I'm feeling kind of anti-woman this week due to a confusing event. But I was in a discussion with a friend about women being more difficult to work with than men, and I completely agree. Women are impossible human beings full of mystery and malice, whereas men are simple creatures with simple needs and an even more simple communication structure. Whereas your average woman is full of complexity and layers upon layers of emotional Labyrinths, and that's just when you ask how they are feeling.

For example, Men are easier to get along with because in general we say what we mean and there's not much more to it. And a woman has all these emotional and multi-tiered level meanings for things. For example, if I guy says, "I had a good time." It means he had a good time. If woman says, "I had a good time" it could mean anything, including I had a good time but I was anxious because I thought my lipstick didn't match my shoes and also Becky wore a nicer dress than me and maybe that made me look fat and also maybe my date didn't pay enough attention to me and I thought I maybe caught him looking at another woman for a second and oh god is he cheating on me etc etc.

Now you take a group of women and the women's hive-mind multiplies this multi-tiered meanings by a billion, until it becomes a negative tornado of emotions and lies, where nothing is good enough and evil pervades everything about it. And that's what it's like working in an office full of women, where the hive-mind sees and judges everything and will never tell you what they actually think. And each individual branch of the hive-mind has it's own goals and secret plans.

So how was your day?

Time flys when you are having fun

So I just moved again for my second time when I was out here. And I got to tell you, it was fantastic. My latest roomate (who admittedly I didn't screen enough) was a 40 year old meth addict who aside from being clean is the worst person I've ever met. Living with her was a certain kind of hell, and I couldn't be more thrilled to be gone. It was so bad that I didn't want to go home for the last 3 months. And when I did I would hide in my room while she would yell terrible things through the walls. I'm not sure what I learned in all that but I did learn that I have a tremendous amount of patience and I believe that any penance I needed to pay for in my life has hopefully been paid.

But I've moved on, out of Purgatory and into a huge new place that I'm eager to show off. Hardwood floors huge bedroom, great place. I'm also looking at buying places although that brings in the question of whether or not I want to stay in San Diego or not. San Diego, like most cities in the country, holds nothing for me. Sure I have friends here who are great but I've got friends in lots of places. It may be time to spread my wings again, go somewhere else. All I know is moving out of my old place and getting rid of that roomate feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It's fantastic and I can't wait to get my life rolling in the right direction again. Not that I was far astray, but it was pretty miserable there for a hot minute.