Taking care of the college kids

I feel like when I was in college when I would hang out with guys not in college they would take care of me. Give me rides and pay for meals and such. So now that I'm one of the older guys I feel a certain obligation to do the same. I've kinda taken a couple guys under my wing, and make sure they're doing alright. Small things, a meal here, a ride all over the city to events. That kind of stuff doesn't take alot of effort on my part to mean alot to them. So I guess what I'm saying is pay it forward.

When I was younger my heart was far more open then it is now. Ultimately that has led to people hurting me very badly time and time again. After the first time I learned that once your heart gets hurt it's not worth the time, nor does it make you feel any better to tell the person who hurt you how you feel or how hurt you are. If someone hurts me now I don't tell them a word, they don't get to know how they affected me or how bad I feel. But gone is the openess in my heart, possibly closed forever to the outside, nobody gets to know how strongly I feel about them, nobody gets to know if they hurt me badly. This has two distinct problems, the first is I absolutely don't get to have any real meaningful relationships with women, because I won't let them know how I feel, I won't open myself to the possibility of getting hurt anymore. It's just not worth it, the effects on me afterwards are to severe to make it worth my time. The second thing is that I don't ever get hurt in the same way.

There are umpteen million things wrong with this strategy but probably the worst is the fact that I don't have relationships. I'm so independent now that the need to have someone in my life is completely non-existant. But just because the need is gone doesn't mean it's not something I would like. I've accepted that I don't like being physical with someone in a more casual relationship. The appeal of sleeping with just anyone as opposed to someone I have emotional connections to doesn't appeal to me. So it's kind of just leaving something unfullfilled.

What's funny is the people that have hurt me so badly have probably done me a favor in the long run with the exception of the most recent. Someone mentioned my longtime college girlfriend to me, and while I haven't spoken to her in a long time I can't imagine what would have happened if she hadn't hurt me. I'd probably be divorced and unhappy. Same thing with other people that hurt me, I just couldn't imagine what my life would be like now if I had continued to be with them. As it is, while I'm not happily in love with anyone, and I really prevent myself from that happening. But I'm certainly much more in tune with myself and aware of what I want. I don't need anyone, which is a statement a vast number of people can't make. At some point I think it's going to be a detraction that I haven't had any long term relationships in some time, maybe it already is, but I will not open up my heart to someone again just to have it crushed again.