Communication Breakdown

It's funny how the way you communicate with someone can change in the absence or addition of certain factors. Yesterday I spent most of my day with a scientist out by the Pentagon, and we talked all day about things we needed to do to help him keep the funding for his project. As the day was wearing on you could tell he was feeling a little bit worse and he was losing his voice. Today when I came into the office his voice was completely spent and I still had to speak to him, so I would talk for 5 minutes while he nodded his head and then he would write questions on a piece of paper. It made the communication much more difficult but in the end it was an interesting challenge. Normally we would have just talked and things would have been more even in the conversation, more back and forth with an exchange of ideas.

This happens pretty frequently in non-physical situations with communication as well. A girl will talk to you in a entirely different manner when she is single than when she has a boyfriend. So if one day you are talking to her and the next time you see her she's involved with someone you can sense the way the communication between you two has changed, this is also the case if she does the opposite. I say girls specifically because my interactions with guys don't really change when they are single or in a relationship. If you've ever had a good friend lose someone close to them you can see the immediate change in the way they communicate with you. Sometimes they won't want to talk to you, but they can still write e-mails or talk online.

Your body is one gigantic communication device. My stomach communicates much more positively with the addition of pizza to it. My ear doesn't communicate normally with the application of a finger to it. Your muscles react differently if you are tired, or if you work them out more. Your ability to speak changes when you brun your tongue on Pizza Rolls that contain molten cheese. My nose sends signals more clearly when my finger is used to remove any form or blockage that has accumulated that impeded olfactory reception.

That's right, I wrote a blog just to set up a bad nose picking joke...

Shirt trouble

I used to always have an extra dress shirt at work that I would keep in case of emergency. Emergencies included; spilling stuff on my shirt, ripping my shirt because of it couldn't contain my massive power, or using it if I was forced to come straight to work after a long night out (it has been well over a year since this situation occurred). For some reason I stopped keeping an emergishirt at work, I forget why, perhaps because it encouraged bad behavior and slovenly eating. Whatever the case it may be time to bring this practice back since I've had several incidents that a extra shirt would have been useful for lately. Incidents such as:

1. Precariously balancing a dumpling between my chopsticks above a pool of soy sauce while trying to be super spy sneaky by gleaning information from a co-worker. The dumpling freed itself from my grasp and fell into the waiting pool of soy sauce splashing said soy sauce all over my new shirt pink (yes I now own a pink shirt after fighting against them for years...ugh). It was the last thing I was going to eat for lunch, and I wore my shame for the rest of the day.

2. Twice in two months I was in a staff meeting, stretching my arms, and I blew out the elbow on my shirt. Shredded it Hulk Hogan style. Shirts became unfixable.

3. Today I was sneezing pretty regularly and then all of a sudden I had the sneeze to end all sneezes. Blood came flying out of my nose and all over my mouth and some on my shirt. Needless to say I had to run to the restroom and clean myself off, but even after the application of warm water there is still some small remnant of blood on my shirt. This is the second time I wore this shirt. I'm sure the blood will come out when I clean the shirts but it is still annoying to have blood stains on my shirt that I'm conscientious about.

Next on the menu, keeping granola bars at my desk.

Inappropriate Conversation

Among the things that you probably shouldn't talk about in public, specifically in the confined space of the elevator, is your youngest child. Who happens to be adopted. Who also apparently suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Who you also don't think very highly of, and you think she won't go to college and will live at home for awhile. But you also don't think she's going to grow up to be much regardless of college.

I gleaned that all from a 20 second elevator conversation this morning between two people. I mean for fucks sake, you can talk about that stuff in private, but on the elevator with people in your building, probably not the best place. I may not even know you but I can guarantee that if I see you again all I'm going to think about is, "Oh hey, that's the guy who's youngest child is adopted and he doesn't think very highly of her." My willingness to help you just went downhill in a big way and we may not have ever formally met. Some things just shouldn't be spoken of in public, I think the dislike of immediate family would be one of them. The whole thing leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth and I wasn't all that great to begin with today.

More phone stuff

They recently messed with our phones at work so that everyone had to go in and do a bunch of fun things to get their phones setup again. Apparently there were reports of numerous problems throughout the building, I myself had some issues which I resolved. Anyway, we got an e-mail a couple minutes that I couldn't help but laugh at (parenthesis denotes where I changed the names to protect the innocent):


From: IT Staff

"
All
Please be advised that due to the (phone) transition, the (Help Desk) is experiencing difficulty with their voice messaging system, and are unable to retrieve messages. Until this issue is resolved later today, users can contact the (Help Desk) via email at (helpdesk e-mail). If it is an (Computer) issue, please contact the (computer) Help Desk at ( helpdesk_e-mail) or by dialing (help desk phone) for greater efficiency.
We are also aware of the voicemail directory problems. (Help Desk) is working to resolve these issues and estimates they will have everything up-and-running by the COB today.
Thank you for your patience concerning this matter.
"

So basically the IT folks who run our phone systems can't get their messages because of some technical issues that have caused phone problems for them. The irony will hit you like a ton of bricks later I'm sure.

Lions and Tigers and Department Stores, OH MY!

I was sitting in bed at 4am, and I hadn't slept a wink. I was doing my favorite activity, which is thinking about life, blissfully aware that I needed to get up and go to work in an hour. The next thing I knew I was being chased by three of my least favorite things. I was being hunted by a Terminator who looked like Kathy Bates (the 60 year old actress), while having droves of zombies try to eat me, inside of a mall. I know what your thinking, that is only two things chasing him, he needs to learn to count. I consider having a nightmare inside a mall the third thing. I've been chased by malls all my life, I hate them with a passion, and the fact that I had to run away from Terminator Kathy bates inside of a frustratingly layed-out department store makes me feel like the mall was out to get me.

I did eventually manage to get a grenade launcher in the sporting goods department (specifically in the camping goods...did you know that Thermos makes a grenade launcher set?), and misfire, killing several zombies but not the terminator. Then I got what I believed to be a shotgun, which turned out to be an elaborate squirt gun...I managed to flee the mall by running down some train tracks to a house with my aunts and uncles and cousins, only to find out that they had been targeted by a Hispanic gang. It was at this point I suspected that no good would come of this dream, and I tried to fight off the gang with my squirt gun. The last thing I remember was me running through the house looking for survivors dodging former loved ones turned zombies. I opened a door and the half blown up half zombified remains of the terminator grabbed me. Then I woke up to find out that I had slept through my alarm and was late for work. Awesome.

I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that America is a land of contrast. That and apparently some relatives are going to turn into zombies after I save them from a Hispanic gang who was out to steal our newspaper. Then I get choked by a terminator. Goddamn mall. Also, I dare me to make less sense.

Out of muffin :(

Some days I forget to bring my breakfast, and some days I'm just too lazy. When those days happen I usually go downstairs to the deli in our building and get a blueberry muffin and chocolate milk. The muffins are some of the best I've ever had and the milk is from the Lehigh Valley so you know it is good. After purchasing my breakfast I wander back upstairs in a blissful trace, secure in the knowledge that I'm about to have a very good muffin supplemented by chocolate milk.

This morning I went downstairs and got a muffin and came back up and was eating it. However, I got distracted and had to get up and go talk to people for a few minutes. When I was finished talking I went to go back to my desk, excited at the prospect of finishing my muffin. However when I arrived my spirit sank. I had already finished my muffin before leaving my desk and there was no muffin for me to eat with a smile on my face. I'd forgotten that I finished my muffin and my happy expectations of finishing my delightful breakfast turned to sour disappointment. I don't think I've ever been so sad about something so minor :( I know that the muffin is a part of me now, but I really wanted to finish my muffin...again apparently. Sigh.

Evils of the phone

You know those people who can effortlessly hold a phone between their shoulder and ear and do other tasks with their hands free from phone use? I wish I could do that, I can't I suck at it. I think most moms pick up the skill from either cooking with while on the phone, or handling children while on the phone (I believe that handling children is a task that necessitates the use of two hands...and sometimes a big wooden spoon). I've known women to be able to handle talking on the phone while preparing the most difficult culinary tasks in the world. I almost never see guys who are able to pull off this feat of balance. I try sometimes, especially while at work and trying to find information while talking to someone. Usually I can hold the phone for about 5 seconds before disaster strikes. Here is a time line of my attempt to hold the phone between my head and shoulder:

1 second: Phone is placed firmly between ear and shoulder, confidence is high as there appears to be no slippage. Conversation is normal.

2 seconds: Hands are being used for typing phone moves a little bit, attempt to compensate for movement begins. Conversation level has dropped slightly.

3 seconds: By typing and trying to balance phone, my conversation becomes disjointed and strange, party on the other end of phone becomes confused. Attempt to compensate for slippery phone has resulted in major phone discombobulation and a last attempt at correcting the phone position is made.

4 seconds: All out chaos reigns supreme, all vestments of previous actions are abandoned. Typing becomes impossible due to dexterity necessary to prevent eminent doom. Speaking on the phone may cease to make any sense to anyone within listening distance, the insane and confused babble of the damned comes forth from my lips. My shoulder finally loses control and the phone takes a flight path of it's own.

5 seconds: Depending on how fast I am, I either a) reach up and grab the phone to stop it from falling or b) the phone falls while my body remains confused. In the case of a, I try to continue my conversation and pretend that nothing happened, I also start to type with one hand and will attempt to compensate for my slow typing with more words to make it seem to the party on the phone that I am more knowledgeable and not typing with one finger like someone who has never learned to type. I will sometimes blame the speed of the computer for the lack of quick information. In the case of b, the phone falls and hits either the desk or the ground. In an attempt to save face I will likely run from my office screaming, leaving the party on the other side of the phone to wonder what evil has befallen me. Weeks later they will receive a letter from me in scribbled red ink that makes little to no sense except that it answers whatever question they were asking me, thus enhancing the believability that I was molested by something of an outworldly nature. This image is more important to me than letting someone know I was unable to balance the phone to my ear.

I know there are some very easy ways to remedy this situation. I could just practice balancing the phone. I could get a hands free headset, or even talk on speakerphone. But frankly those solutions are far to practical and situations where I need to talk with both hands free on the phone come up infrequently. It is just a skill I wish I had, because frankly the cost of red ink for all these letters is eating into my pocketbook.

Mmm Playoff Football

When I watch a football game, as I am this afternoon, I generally have another channel or 3 that I flip back to during commercials and boring parts of the game. This is actually true for anything I watch, not just football. I think quite a few men flip channels and I am no different. Today I am watching the Green Bay Packers vs. the Seattle Seahawks. The show that I'm flipping back to during commercials? Terminator 2:Judgement Day (For the 4 time in a 6 day period)? No. Wyatt Earp? No. I am watching something far less appropriate for male viewing, Sex and the City reruns on TBS.

I can't defend this, the absurdity of it is far to silly. It's not like it's a boring game, in fact just the opposite. There is lots of action and hard hitting. It is snowing in Green Bay. So far it is a tremendous game that is very entertaining, maybe the most entertaining I've watched all year. I don't know what I'm trying to get out of this, maybe the lack of female perspective in my life. i know for a certainty that if my roomates were out here watching this game with me I wouldn't be able to flip back to Sarah Jessica Parker and her frankly unbelievable musings. This may be a low point in my football watching career, although maybe The View is on somewhere...

Something is very wrong with me.

Serious Fun :(

I hate when restaurants or other places advertise "serious fun" (actually it generally is in boldface type in all caps: SERIOUS FUN) on their storefront. It's like telling the customer that there is no choice:

"We here at funcorp are completely dedicated to a longstanding tradition of paint by the numbers fun and you will be involved in our rigorous fun schedule. There will be no spontaneity or innovation in the fun you will have in our establishment, all of it will be regularly mandated and time tested fun. Mandatory fun will be had between the hours of 9am-1am, at which both customers and workers must take a break from fun and engage in no less then two hours of cooldown. Anybody on the premises not willing to have serious fun will be forcibly removed by the fun police after awaiting trial in front of a panel of fun experts. Thank you for choosing funcorp, where all your fun is boxed into strict guidelines and spoon fed to you."

It's time for some SERIOUS FUN !

Serious fun seems like an oxymoron to me (your mom is an oxymoron), I know you can have fun at work and while being serious. But trying to make that a selling point for your business to potential customers is somewhat silly, but not the good kind of silly, the highly regulated with management oversight kind of silly. Mandatory fun is equally strange to me, who the heck are you to tell me that I must have fun! I'm going to go sit in a corner and discuss politics or cry at my own will and nobody will tell me that I must be having fun. The world is a serious place, rarely do fun, and seriousness cross over, and when they do, you usually aren't paying for it.

Going on something I said earlier, who would be on my panel of fun experts? Would it be mindless bureaucrats or some of the funnest (not funniest) people I know? What if it was a mix! And would the fun people play jokes on the bureaucrats? Like a clown throwing a pie in the face of a businessman! Except the pie must be of regulation flavor and size and the force of the pie must be under 5 lbs. of pressure. Only then according to bylaws will this be considered fun, assuming it is not an alternate tuesday. Fun is serious business.

Thriller Night

A couple days after I hurt my ankle some friends of mine forced me against my will to walk all the way across a huge mall. Needless to say it was pretty silly looking for me to limp all that way just to walk back a few minutes later after we met more friends who were eating lunch AT THE RESTAURANT FARTHEST AWAY FROM THE MOVIE THEATER. Also it was probably not the best thing for my recently wounded ankle but when have I ever taken that into consideration? Anywhoo when I was walking back someone gave me a perfect line to use when people ask me if I hurt my ankle. She gave me more ammunition for my smart alec routine which is wonderful because if there's anything I truly enjoy in this life, it is being a smartass. So when she saw me limping behind the group she said, "Man, you are really dedicated to that one dance move." That's amazing because now when someone asks me, "Did you hurt yourself?" I can reply, "No, I'm just really dedicated to this dance move." Wow...I'm like not funny at all, I can't dance, I can't talk, the only thing about me is that I look like a zombie when I walk. But I can walk.

My Mazerati

I can't think of that many better ways to ring in your birthday then the way I did last night. At midnight I was singing "Life's Been Good to Me" by Joe Walsh karaoke style in my favorite beach bar with a couple of friends looking on and the whole bar wishing for my death. Then I got to have another adventure! I hailed a cab outside and when I got in there was a hispanic guy in the back seat. The cab driver told me that he had to drop off this guy a little ways down Lee Hwy and then he could take me home. I'm always one for an adventure with random people so I was happy to hang around. The hispanic guy was really happy and he had this can of beer he was drinking. It was some kind of exotic beer that I had never heard of, and he offered me some. I had some and we kept passing it back and forth. It was delicious, I could see why this guy was in such a good mood, he was drinking this exotic spicy beer! When he was finished the beer he crumpled up the can and chucked it out the window. Cool guy, hope he does well in life. When I got home I watched Mississippi Burning till I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up I watched Terminator 2: Judgement Day, then I had pancakes! Good way to ring in your birthday.

A window into a world of mystery

Things that happen when there aren't females around for $1000 Alex.

Me watching football and eating leftover fried chicken in boxer shorts and no shirt while my roomate picks meatballs out of the freezer and we're complaining about how bad the party/laundry room smells.

What is a normal night in my house?

There is nothing out of the ordinary about this particular vignette of my life, except for the laundry/party room not being clean, but that is excusable by the fact that we have had a party within the last week and a half (we had one on Christmas). Normally I don't eat chicken in my boxer shorts with no shirt on but to be fair I was pretty hungry, and I didn't feel like showering before I ate and I didn't feel like wearing a shirt because I think it enhances the experience of eating fried chicken. It's similar to how eating venison with your bare hands straight off the grill with a beer in your hand makes the meat just taste so much sweeter. Speaking of which, I need some venison...and beer.

Happy New Year!

Meet the new year, same as the old year!

That message is not quite what is seems, it's kinda a take off of a line from an old The Who song. What if everything changed when the clock struck 12 on December 31st. Pretty weird I would bet. I'm sure there is probably some science fiction that deals with such a situation. If there's not maybe I should start writing some. "At midnight the world will change forever! Robots and dragons and aliens Oh My!" Sounds like the most exciting thing ever! Or not...at all. It seems to me that people are more interested in getting loaded and partying on New years Eve then preparing for an invasion of interstellar clowns who dress like cowboys hellbent on destroying all the world's ninjas. It sounds maybe like some ripoff of a Doctor Who episode. Speaking of which, the theme song for Doctor Who just gets stuck in your head and never leaves, just like all the Robbie Williams songs I've ever heard. Point being, people probably don't want to worry about the whole world changing once a year, they would much rather drink themselves silly. Which in the end is more fun then worrying about the clownacolypse after all.