Call my Hotline

I had a great conversation this weekend that proved I can see the future and through time and space, or it's an example of how hilariously lucky I can be sometimes when it comes to inane things. I named the correct answer when there was 100's of possible answers, and if that's not proof I don't know what is. Now for just a small fee, I can find any piece of information that anyone desires given the bare minimum of information.  Below is an exact transcript of the conversation. The names of other parties in this discussion have been changed to protect the innocent.

Crystal: "I saw this movie one time that had this actress in it and it was about stuff.  I really liked the movie but I can't remember the actress who played the role. Also I hate that Venti Green Tea Frappachino you got and I tasted!"

Me: "What was the movie about?"

Crystal: "Things, and she like slept with some dude in the movie."

Me: "Is the actress old?"

Crystal: "She's older but not old."

Me: "Is it Kate Winslet?"

Crystal: "No, that's not right, let me text my friend to find out" *texts friend*

45 minutes later...

Crystal: "It was Kate Winslet in "The Reader"..."

Me: "Aww yeah"

So you see, given the absolute limited amount of information, I was able, in one guess and one guess only, to find out the information the other party required.  I'm like a super google or something.  And now for a limited time you can call my hotline and ask all the greatest questions of the universe, for example:

"Who was that guy in that thing?"

"What was that John Fogherty song about?"

"Nipples on males, what gives?"

"Pandas and their relative evilness, how to stop the coming apocalypse...which is not really a question?"

I'd also like to state for the record that not only have I never seen "The Reader" but I've also never particularly liked Kate Winslet until she wore the below dress at the 68th Venice Film Festival (picture courtesy of WWTDD)

That dress is amazing and it makes me want to date Kate Winslet at the drop of a hat.  It doesn't even matter that the dress has two extremely clever visual deceptions with the black sides and the bust area being a different color. I want to be deceived, do you understand me? The illusion is real to me, in fact it's so real that my mind is screaming for me not to believe it and I'm consciously telling my mind to go elsewhere while my heart and other parts further south take matters into hand (mmm double entendre). And Kate, if you are reading this, I've literally never seen any of your movies, especially not Titanic, but I want you to know that I would appreciate you and treat you in the manner you deserve to be treated and give you a more fulfilling relationship than ever before or again. Also, I can see through time and space...so I've got that going for me. I've never crushed on a celebrity before I saw this dress, but it does strange things to my small male brain.

Back in the Saddle

Alternative titles for this post:
Get bent California
Eat me Taxman
Probably shouldn't have tried California


So the State of California is crazy broke. Which is entirely of their own doing. I've lived here for almost 4 years and I've only filed my taxes once. Why you ask? Because every year I would get a pretty sizeable tax return and I figure the state is better off with my money and also not paying to process my return. And yes I realize that technically I'm in violation of the law for not demanding my tax return from California every year, but that's not the point. However California has gotten pushy about me filing my taxes, telling me that I might owe them money, I got a little miffed and went back and filed all my returns. The total return for the three years I didn't file taxes? $2400. So congratulations California, you hosed yourself out of $2400 that I was perfectly willing to donate to the cause of getting you less in debt. I wonder what it costs the state to process those three returns?

I feel bad for you California, but you brought this on yourself!