“Here is what happened to me last night:
I was watching tv and a huge brown spider skittered across the fireplace. It totally made eye contact on its way by. My first thought - eep! My second thought - I have to kill it before it gets hungry and eats the cat or the baby.
I got out of my favorite chair without breaking compound eye contact and picked up a flip flop.
I decided the flip flop wasn't sturdy enough to kill the humongous creepy spider. I reached very slowly and cautiously for the welder's gloves on the mantle. The spider inched into a deep mortar line in the fireplace and hunkered down.
I donned the glove, flexed the flip flop, and poked at the bricks in an attempt to threaten the spider out of its crack. It laughed at me. So I fake swatted at it.
It went 'oh shit, she means business' and took off across the fireplace like a cheetah (0 to 60 in approximately 2 seconds), turned the corner, and stopped before the fireplace meets the wall. Smarty-spider-pants apparently is evolved enough to know he'd be easy pickings on the wall.
What an effer.
I tried to work up the nerve to squish him with the hand in the glove, but I was too scared of him. Instead I settled for faking another flip flop smack in the hopes of luring him closer to optimal crushing distance. He ran again (yes! just like I'd planned!!) and then stopped right on the effing corner of the brick.
Dammit.
I dropped an f bomb out loud and decided to go for it. I readied the flip flop, wound up, and swung. Wouldn't you know it?! That beeatch freaking ninja flipped off the brick and disappeared somewhere. Maybe in the bucket of train depots... Maybe under my favorite chair... Maybe back into whatever hellish crack it came out of.
All I know for sure is that it's out there somewhere in my house plotting its revenge.
Today I am carrying my flip flop everywhere I go.”
Excellent stuff Katie, I wish you well in your triumph over this clever opponent.
