No Adults

Today is one of those very rare days in the office where there are absolutely no supervisors in at any level. So basically it means I get to be productive and proactive and have as much fun as I want. Awesome. I always work with a large degree of autonomy but it feels even better to not have anyone around to come and give me additional tasks. The freedom is gratifying. Don't get me wrong I enjoy a sense of direction as much as the next worker, but I like to think that I'm a pretty creative guy and that I can get the job done without adult supervision. I think many of my co-workers feel the same based on the fact that everyone seems busy today and they all seem to be in such high spirits. Although maybe that's the holiday spirit.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to work for myself, could I get by with absolutely as little direction as possible? Who knows maybe I'll get there someday. In the meantime I'll settle for this feeling of childish delight that I have the whole work day to do whatever I need to do! It's almost a guilty pleasure really, I feel as though I should be hiding my delight at the lack of adult supervision. Not sure exactly why that is since I'm still doing lots of work and being very busy. Hahaha you fools, look what happens when you leave me to my own devices, I do lots of necessary work and fix a bunch of problems! Yes, that'll show them to never leave me alone again! Take that.

Not enough time here

I've spent the last couple days back in the DC area (and the NJ area for 2 days). It's so hard, I want to see everyone I know and have lots of time to talk with everyone. But sadly I have been running all over the place and not accomplishing that at all. I wish I had like, 2 more weeks around here to see everyone, my family and friends and everyone. I wonder if this is going to be a familiar feeling when I come back to DC. Not having that much time with the people I still care about here. It makes me feel bad, maybe next time I won't tell as many people I'm coming back, because I feel like I wanted to see many more people than I did.

I should hirer a prostitute

Because this is getting ridiculous. Just saying.

Done with christmas shopping, I think

So I like to think I do a pretty good job Christmas shopping most of the time. And this year I just decided to take an afternoon off and get it all done, which I did, hopefully. Shopping for Christmas presents is one of the most agonizing part of the year, I usually spend so much time and effort thinking about what to get people and then praying that they enjoy it. So here's hoping all the planning and looking and then actual shopping I did paid off. At least I got it done a week ahead of time!

Getting ready for the Holidays and into the spirit is tough in Southern California, the weather is usually so nice and perfect (although it has rained the last 3 days) it's hard to see Christmas decorations when you are outside riding your bike and go, "Man it feels like Christmas". Part of what I associate with Christmas is the cold weather and the feel of everything, snow included. Out here it feels like summer or spring pretty much every day, so instead of putting on a warm coat and going by the department stores to look at decorations while braving the cold and maybe getting some hot chocolate or egg nog. You put on some running shoes and on your way to the gym you stop to get a smoothie or a frappachino while you are wearing shorts and a t-shirt. That's when you notice the Christmas display in the "lifestyle shop" right next to the bongs. Then you can do a Christmas walk on the boardwalk and watch people surf. Surfing is very Christmasy, I might even go get a Christmas tatoo after yoga one day this week.

Opposite rain!

Today it is raining outside! It is odd because it almost never rains here, and when it does it usually does it at night so you can't really see it. But today it has been raining all day! I'm cooped up in the office but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the rain. At lunch I took a long walk in the rain and just loved the feel of it hitting my face. It's odd I know but I love rain and it brings back lots of fantastic memories, one of the reservations I had about moving out here was that it doesn't rain much so a day like today is amazing. People out here have no idea how to drive in the rain, it's even worse then when it snowed in DC. And that is saying a lot. But I love it all the same.

The last two days have been like opposite days for me. It's raining today, which is opposite. Yesterday I went to the driving range and I could hit my 7, 3, and 8 irons, and couldn't touch my 4, 6, and 9 irons. I also couldn't hit my driver (which is normal) but for whatever reason I went out and crushed my 5 wood without teeing it up. Which is a minor miracle for whomever has watched me hit my 5 wood. At night I parellell parked my gigantic car in a small space! Which is also uncommon since I always have trouble with its size. I felt really good about myself after that, it was perfect, I should have taken a photo!

Yesterday was also the first time in years I set foot in a gym to wrestle. My friend and I rolled around for about an hour, and I'd forgotten how much fun it is! I was sure I'd never wrestle again, not with the knee and ankle problems anyway. But today I find myself sore but ok except for the brutal mat burn on my knee. Defintely wearing kneepads next time. But all in all the last two days has been so much opposite of what I normally do! Maybe I should go play the lottery! Well going to wrestle was basically playing the lottery, but I will be going again soon!

I'm ruined! All ruined!

Ruined I tell you! I had it all planned out, which is a rarerity for me when it comes to this stuff. All of my leave was planned to the end of the year so that I didn't lose any of it down to the minute (well actually I was going to lose 15 minutes). You see, the way government time off works I can only carry over 6 weeks of time off into the new year. 7 of my remaining 37.15 hours were used this last week when my mother was visiting last week (which was fun by the way). Twenty-seven (27) of the remaining hours were going to be spent on the couple days I'm going back to DC for the holidays, 9 hours on the 24th to fly, the 26th I had off because it's my alternate Friday, and another 18 on Monday and Tuesday of the week after. Then I had 3.15 hours and I was going to take the Friday afternoon of january 2nd off to dick around. But now the president signed out this: http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2008/12/20081212-2.html

What that essentially means is that now I get wed. off because I would have had Friday off as well and thus have an extra 9 hours I need to use between now and the 3rd of January. And I know it's silly for me to complain about this situation but I was so proud of myself for actually planning out how I was going to use my time. I rarely do plan out vacations ahead of time, usually it is very last minute. But I've actually had the end of my year planned for 4 months! Which in Marty years is like an eternity. So now I'm stuck with having to beg my boss to let me take another day off. JEEZ WHY IS LIFE SO TOUGH ALL THE TIME! Also I'd really like one of my plans to go the way I want to, just once.

Building Skynet

Lots of people have seen the Terminator movies and are aware of the fictional defense computer system that becomes aware and tries to destroy the human race. It's essentially the same thing as 'The Matrix" movies and a bunch of other science fiction movies. The gist of all of them are that when the computer becomes self aware, it automatically tries to defend itself from humans, thus causing the enslavement of the human race. What everyone should learn from all this is that nobody should build any of these self aware systems so they don't end up destroying the world as we know it, because we aren't doing that on our own.

But what most people don't realize, is that we are developing the SKYNET program and funding its growth. That's right, the U.S. Navy is developing the system that destroys humanity, and I'm one of the Financial Analysts that are going to approve this development. This makes me somewhat directly linked to the extinction of the human race. I think I might put that on my resume... "SKYNET enabler/Anti-Human aficionado". Some people might be wary that they were helping to start the fall of civilization, I'm proud. If you are curious what SKYNET actually does, here's a short description:

"The Skynet program allows for near term augmentation of the Satellite Communications by leasing multiple channels on the Intelsat's Skynet fleet. The program will provide the DoD with region specific UHF narrowband communications to all Navy ships, command and control networks, and tactical on the ground mobile war fighters. It will also enable all ships, command and control facilities, and equipped tactical units continuous voice and data communications access regardless of environmental conditions and terrain. "

It's basically a communications program, one that will someday evolve and become self aware artificial intelligence which then launches nuclear missiles at all major human cities. Fun stuff! Looking forward to it! You would think that whomever named this program has quite a sense of humor. Whatever the case, I'm happy to commit my time to making sure the Skynet program works and launches smoothly and efficiently. And just remember, the United States is not only aware that they are building Skynet, but they are actively looking for ways to improve and streamline the program, efficiency is everything folks! Go robots! All hail our new robot overlords.

What I got scolded for today

Today is "yearly cleanup day" at my office. Meaning that we're throwing out all the old papers and binders and garbage that clog up your typical office. We were told in advance to wear jeans and casual clothes for all the cleaning that we would be doing. I of course forgot and am wearing a suit and shirt with no tie (because I'm lazy). So I've been repeatedly scolded for being too dressed up for cleanup day :( I think the problem was I was too distracted by my entire body being sore from yesterday. Abs class is the most painful thing ever to happen in the history of the world, I'm sure that by comparison, childbirth is a cakewalk. But apparently dressing up nice for cleanup day is a way to receive scorn from multiple co-workers. Sigh

The other way to receive scorn is to apparently do work while cleaning day is happening. I usually have a few things to do in the morning that are like daily reports, I do them every morning pretty much first thing and I get in trouble if I don't do them. But today I was asked, "Marty, are you working while everyone else is cleaning!" Seriously, c'mon. I've worked here 5 months, I don't hold much paper around my desk, it's not that hard of a cleanup for me. I will help anywhere else that needs help but I do have some work to do first. Obviously I don't get the point of cleanup day, or at least I'm a rebel without a cause when it comes to this day amongst days. Sorry that I have some actual work I need to take care of in the first 2 hours of the day that will prevent me from doing any of the cleaning I have to not do since I already did it and I obviously don't have the next 8 hours to help.

Here's a picture of two lobsters knife-fighting to prove my point:

Amusing little sister

My sister Elizabeth posted this on Facebook:
"I never write notes. I hope this goes on minifeed because anyone with any interest in spider drawings should read this. it made me fall off my chair laughing. its the sort of thing my brother would appreciate. so if he's reading this he should definately look at it.
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665847
wait for it...there's a follow up:
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665808 "


This is not the first time in recorded history this has happened. Bartering is a skill not quite dead, although apparently corporate entities don't appreciate such things. Also you should be careful about falling off your chair in the future. Also that is a cute spider.

Children, the best workout

I submit to you that the best possible workout in the world, is playing tag with children on a playground. It will force you to sprint, jump, twist, turn, flail and contort through various obstacles that you don't really fit through. The first thing you will notice is that your body hasn't moved that way in years, in fact, it may call into question whether you were ever able to perform some of the moves required to chase an 8 year old. I don't care if you are a gymnast or a fitness expert, or some ungodly combination of the two, I defy you to try and lunge at a small child for more than a minute without getting tired. It won't happen, you will be tired and sweaty within 20 seconds. The children however will not be tired at all, they will still have the same relative level of enthusiasm and energy after an hour, as they did when the game began. Which is frankly disheartening, since you will want a break pretty much whenever you can get one. The next day you will be sore, oh god how you will be sore.

But at the end of the day you will have fun, and it will be a great workout. You will dominate as well because no matter how tricky these little punks are they can't match your height, speed, and reach. So what you do is let the little kids, or the girls who can't catch anyone easily tag you and you go after the hotshot 8 year olds who think they are untouchable. Seriously guys, I'm 25, I'm going to catch you even if I can't run up the twisty slide or go through the small openings very easily. Eventually I'm going to chase you to the ground and then it's a footrace, and you will lose. Then you won't be able to claim that nobody can catch you while you tag a girl who is more interested in her pink shoes than the game. Then the cycle repeats itself and ends with you getting destroyed by a man almost 20 years older then you. This is my playground son, don't mess with the master.

I know what your thinking, ahh that pedophile Marty was out playing with kids over the weekend! How fun. But truthfully I was in San Jose visiting my uncle for Thanksgiving. He has two precocious children aged 8 and 6 and a stepson aged 16. The stepson is a mere 6'3" and 300 lbs, he played JV football this year and let me tell you, if I was his coach I would be salivating at the prospect of getting this kid on my team for the next three years, he's a monster. But his younger siblings are really cute and polite. All in all I had fun up in San Jose. It was like a more overcast, slightly colder, slightly more populated San Diego. It's funny how things change when you are at someone else's house for the holidays. They have their own rituals or in this case, they have not yet developed said rituals since the kids are so young. But it was pretty nice and I'm glad I got to go somewhere instead of staying here by myself.

Getting to hang around the kids for a couple of days reinforced my desire to have kids some day. I don't know how I'll go about it, since you have to like, find someone to have children with if you are going to do it properly. But I think they are lots of work, and completely worth it, or at least it seems that way. But I think it's all worth it when I take them t the playground and destroy them playing tag. It will be a great workout, and then I will be sore the next day. But if you do it often enough you could get into some kind of shape that is not round.

NDA Agreement

NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT

THIS NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT (this “Agreement”) is made and entered into as of 11/26/2008 between Antagonist, Inc., having its place of business at 836 Chalcedony St. (“Company”) and [company 2], having its place of business at [Address]
Purpose: Company and [company 2] wish to explore a business opportunity of mutual interest and in connection with this opportunity wishes to execute this Non Disclosure Agreement (“Agreement”).

1. Confidential Information: Confidential information means any information disclosed to by one party to the other, either directly or indirectly in writing, orally or by inspection of tangible or intangible objects, including without limitation documents, business plans, source code, software, documentation, financial analysis, marketing plans, customer names, customer list, customer data. Confidential Information may also include information disclosed to a party by third parties at the direction of a Disclosing Party. Confidential Information shall not, however, include any information which the Receiving party can establish (i) was publicly known and made generally available in the public domain prior to the time of disclosure; (ii) becomes publicly known and made generally available after disclosure through no action or inaction of Receiving Party; or (iii) is in the possession of Receiving Party, without confidentiality restrictions, at the time of disclosure by the Disclosing Party as shown by Receiving Party’s files and records immediately prior to the time of disclosure. The party disclosing the Confidential Information shall be referred to as “Disclosing Party” in the Agreement and the party receiving the Confidential Information shall be referred to as “Receiving Party” in the Agreement.

2. Non-use and Non-disclosure: The Receiving Party agrees not to use any Confidential Information for any purpose except to evaluate and engage in discussions concerning a potential business relationship between the parties hereto. Receiving Party agrees not to disclose any Confidential Information to third parties or to its employees, except to those employees who are required to have the information in order to evaluate or engage in discussions concerning the contemplated business relationship. The Receiving Party shall not reverse engineer, disassemble or decompile any prototypes, software or other tangible objects which embody the Disclosing Party's Confidential Information and which are provided to the Receiving Party hereunder.

3. Maintenance of Confidentiality Information: The Receiving Party agrees that it shall take all reasonable measures to protect the secrecy of and avoid disclosure and unauthorized use of the Confidential Information. Without limiting the foregoing, Receiving Party shall take at least those measures that Receiving Party takes to protect its own most highly confidential information and shall have its employees, if any, who have access to Confidential Information sign a non-use and non-disclosure agreement in content substantially similar to the provisions hereof, prior to any disclosure of Confidential Information to such employees. The Receiving Party shall not make any copies of Confidential Information unless the same are previously approved in writing by the Disclosing Party. The Receiving Party shall reproduce the Disclosing Party’s proprietary rights notices on any such approved copies, in the same manner in which such notices were set forth in or on the original. The Receiving Party shall immediately notify the Disclosing Party in the event of any unauthorized use or disclosure of the Confidential Information.

4. No Obligation: Nothing herein shall obligate either party to proceed with any transaction between them, and each party reserves the right, in its sole discretion, to terminate the discussions contemplated by this Agreement concerning the business opportunity.

5. No Warranty: ALL CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION IS PROVIDED “AS IS”. NEITHER PARTY MAKES ANY WARRANTIES, EXPRESS, IMPLIED OR OTHERWISE, REGARDING ITS ACCURACY, COMPLETENESS OR PERFORMANCE.

6. Return of Materials: All documents and other tangible objects containing or representing Confidential Information and all copies thereof which are in the possession of Receiving Party shall be and remain the property of the Disclosing Party and shall be promptly returned to the Disclosing Party upon the Disclosing Party’s request.

7. No License: Nothing in this Agreement is intended to grant any rights to either party under any patent, mask work right or copyright of Company, nor shall this Agreement grant Receiving Party any rights in or to Confidential Information except as expressly set forth herein.

8. Term: This Agreement shall survive for a period of 3 years from the date of disclosure of the Confidential Information.

9. Remedies: The Receiving Party agrees that any violation or threatened violation of this Agreement will cause irreparable injury to the Disclosing Party, entitling the Disclosing Party to obtain injunctive relief in addition to all legal remedies.

10. Miscellaneous: This Agreement shall bind and inure to the benefit of the parties hereto and their successors and assigns. This Agreement shall be governed by the laws of [name of your state, country], without reference to conflict of laws principles. This document contains the entire agreement between the parties with respect to the subject matter hereof. Any failure to enforce any provision of this Agreement shall not constitute a waiver thereof or of any other provision hereof. This Agreement may not be amended, nor any obligation waived, except by a writing signed by both parties hereto. Any and all disputes arising under or related to this Agreement shall be adjudicated exclusively in CA, USA. The parties have executed this Nondisclosure Agreement as of the date first above written.
Your Company Name. [Company 2] By: ___________________ By: Name: ________________ Name: Title: _________________ Title: Date: _________________ Date:

Wall exchange

This is from Facebook with fellow blogger (http://donzisbasement.blogspot.com)and Lehigh alumni Don Fanelli:
Don has to stop paying to hear Burning Down the House at bars.

Marty Jenkinsat 12:47pm November 26
I can't decide if you are a monster or a saint...a saint for playing that song, or a monster for not paying to hear it anymore.

Don Fanelli at 1:52pm November 26
i am a monster, with the heart of a saint

Marty Jenkins at 2:40pm November 26
I think it would be cooler if you were a monster with the still beating heart of a saint in your hands. Alternatively, you could be the patron saint of monsters, grunge rock, and soft drink straws that aren't long enough for the cup you are using it on (which is inherently monstrous).

I think Don is a great writer, and his blog is interesting, I wish he would write more.

Guess what I did today

Today I got to play with $3,280,191K dollars, or 3.28 Billion. What did you do today you layabout? Did you watch the news? Make breakfast? Sit at your desk and watch the clock? You make me sick. How about you call me when you play with more then $100 Million in a day. Punk!

My core, is sore

If you are drawn into a class,
And they want you to flex your abs.
Run as fast as you can the other way,
If you don't you will have to stay.

If you stay you will have to work,
Then you will feel like a fat jerk.
The pretty girls they all will scowl,
As you sweat right through your towel.

The gay instructor he will chuckle,
As your knees continue to buckle.
When you sit there, like a whale,
Others succeed while you fail.

At the end you will be a pile,
That will match your self exile.
Fifteen minutes will have past,
And you'll wish you were a ghast.

Then you feel sore when you arise,
Oh god I can't move my thighs.
But then you feel like a geek,
And realize you'll be back again next week.

Commonalities

You know how sometimes you hear something random, and then something links that random reference or whatever again soon. You know like, you hear a really odd cultural reference on a show or something, and then someone brings up that same random cultural reference in conversation that is completely unrelated, or you read a news article that also references it. I guess I should explain in much more detail what I'm talking about since the previous two sentences didn't make any sense (which is about par for the course in my writings ha ha ha). I was watching 'Califonication' on Monday and during the show Fox Mulder's character made a reference to Harry Chapin's famous song "Cat's in the Cradle" about the cycle of father son relationships and how there is a common error in that father's don't spend enough time with their sons until it is too late. Anyway I saw that reference and then this week 'The Onion' had this article: http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/if_only_someone_had_written_a Kinda odd coincidence perhaps. But on Tuesday someone at work was telling me about how fast his kid was growing up and he said something about Harry Chapin being right. It's likely that all three of these events are completely unrelated since I doubt the folks at 'The Onion' knew that a episode of some TV show would make a similar reference as they did since they were probably made so far apart, and I'm not discounting that this co-worker might have seen either of these, it's just unlikely that he would, especially given that they are somewhat obscure media outlets.

It's odd that I would hear about that song 3 times in a week, kinda creepy in a way. But that is the way of people, I think your mind can hang on to little reminders or things that have risen to the forefront of your mind. Maybe if I hadn't of recognized or seen 'Californication' I wouldn't have picked up on the other two references. Maybe I would have moved any thoughts of that song to the back of my head never to think about them again until I heard the song on the radio or something, and who knows maybe I would get like 5 or six random tie ins to that song when that would happen. I guess what I'm trying to say (poorly) is that sometimes random things can bring buried memories back to life. And once those things are brought back you begin to notice them more, or pay attention to them more when they were in plain sight to begin with. Which is why I'm going to start thinking about space lazers, and maybe by random coincidence I'll somehow learn to make said lazers, and shoot them at people's cars when I need a parking spot.

The other common theme of this week was people I haven't talked to in forever asking me if I was flying back to Pennsylvania for the big Lehigh/Lafayette game. I don't talk to many folks from Lehigh, partly because I'm terrible at staying in touch, but partly because I was extremely disliked (for good reasons) while I went there. So it's somewhat odd to me that suddenly I get a couple phone calls and a bunch of e-mail asking if I'm coming back. It's not that I've had no fun the last couple times I went back, which is now over a year ago. It's just that, at this point all the people who were with me at school have graduated now, my sister who started the year after I left is a senior! So weird. But I'm not sure if I went back what it would be like, would it be cool or would I just feel kinda like a dork. Although maybe if I was seeing old friends it would be kinda cool, the problem is that I've really changed quite a bit from when I was in school, and for the most part that's not what people see. People see the 20-22 year old Martin who was a different person. It's somewhat tough to react to roles and things that no longer suit you, I don't really like it, but I also don't spend enough time talking to or hanging out with people so they can see how I've changed. I think I just need to wear a space suit the next time I go to one of these things. I've been dwelling a bit on space…hmm

Instead of going to the ole alma mater, I'll be meeting a bunch of strangers at a bar near my house for some Alumni get together on Saturday morning. Should be interesting, but I'm curious as to why I feel a bit nervous about it. I shouldn't, heck I graduated (barely) it shouldn't be cause for nervousness right?

Coupons and co-workers

This is an old post from my time at ONR I decided to publish the funny thing is that this still very much applies to SPAWAR and I'm sure the reaction will be the same when my mom comes to work with me in the beginning of December:

My co-workers are aware that I'm a youngish 20 something with no girlfriend or mother to look after me and therefore the reasoning goes I must not be able to fend for myself when it comes to food. I'm also the only young male of that age in the office so for all the women in the office that have children who have moved out, they see me as an opportunity to get some of that last minute parenting in. Normally the perks are tremendous, don't want their piece of cake? Give it to Marty. Didn't want those chips they got at lunch? Give it to Marty. Haven't mothered someone in a little while, Marty! Actually the mothering is quite cute, they all take an interest in what I eat, who I date, what I do on the weekends, my hair, my posture etc etc. It's like being at the office with 8 mothers every day (sometimes it's a living hell).

When I first got here my mom had just moved to Bahrain, and upon finding this out all of the would me surrogate mothers in the office took my collectively under their wing. It was as if my own mother had never left! But when my mom came to visit me and I brought her to the office the attitude became palpably cold. Sure there were smiles all around, but you could just see my office moms thinking, "Oh, so you're the negligent mother who left her son alone to fend for himself, look who showed up late to the party." It was really funny how the all fluffed up their feathers, but it was quite entertaining and cute. It eventually led to more mothering once my mom left the office.

The coupons thing is great though, because it doesn't even have to be the mother's who gives me coupons. See all the people in my office get coupons in the mail they can't use, for restaurants or food deals or something that they have no use for but think that a 25ish year old could use. So I get all these coupons that suit me just fine because I would never actively seek them out. So I get free stuff or discounted stuff all the time and it's the generosity of my co-workers that allows it to happen, they are so thoughtful! It's especially striking because sometimes they will give me the same book of coupons, which means two or more people had the exact same thought when they were going through their coupon mail..."Hey Marty could probably use this!" It's nice sometimes that they are considerate enough to think of me, or maybe they are trying to fatten me up to cook me! AHHHH!

This is what happens and you are tired and don't realize you are posting on the wrong blog

This was supposed to be for here: http://fatkidmusings.blogspot.com/ but I screwed that up so the two people who read this can just skim over it or not.

First I'd like to apologize to last week, it was lower then even my low standards of excellence have come to accept, I will never again work nursery stories or fables or whatever into my column, not by the hair on my chinny chin chin. I will also need to stop making guarantees, after this one: The only guarantee that I will make is that only things that can disappoint me will happen ala Penn State making me sad. That was the worst pass interference call of all time. The refs hate Penn State. So if we apply the logic that only things that disappoint me will happen then you will see Utah, Boise, and Ball State all lose, Penn State doesn't go to a BCS game, and Ohio State somehow leapfrogs it's way to the title game against Alabama and afterwards, when Alabama has won, they both decide to join one another to form THE University of Alabama State Crimson Buckeyes, and they higher Bobby Petrino as their QB's coach and Chuck "The Chest" Amato becomes their linebackers coach. Then they make a law that there can never be a playoff and furthermore all non-BCS conferences will not be eligible for BCS games. Then they will outlaw the option and mandate scholarships for all football teams. To switch topics really fast I may be completely wrong minded about this but I think that losing to a lesser opponent is less of a deal then losing to a big name. Take Oklahoma and Texas, and then USC, Penn State and Florida as examples. The last three got caught in trap games where they lost, barely, and they have won handily every other game they've played. Whereas Texas and Oklahoma both lost to quality opponents and they have beaten all the lesser teams they've played. But in my mind I grade them as worse losses then the three teams that got trapped. Am I just dead wrong about this? Probably. Lastly, Why couldn't Penn State not just win out? I mean how many times do they have to get jobbed by the refs in their one loss? The last time they did it granted it was during the Texas/USC national title game but still. Anyways, this week has a pretty weak slate of games, we're talking puppy dog weak, which in football is not nearly as cute and cuddly.

"I gotta admit that I am fairly disappointed with LSU this weekend. They certainly played a great game against a great team, but I just cannot believe that a Les Miles coached team has dropped a 3rd conference game. I expected them to come out and take it to Alabama. I guess this means that LSU is really down this year as a team.
Look for Florida to show up in the national championship game. There is no player in the land more focused and more determined than Tim Tebow right now. They are really spreading the ball around this year, so he may not put up Heisman numbers, but no QB in the nation leads an offense like Tim Tebow. Urban Meyer has these guys poised to make a run. Florida versus Alabama for the SEC title and the right to play for a national championship. The upcoming weeks should be fun! - Darius"
LSU I think is just missing that killer instinct. There is no way they should have lost 3 conference games, and they got blown up by Georgia, a team that I haven't thought was that good all year. So we'll see what happens, it's certainly going to be exciting. I'm not so sure about Florida either.

"So the number 1 team in the nation goes to a place where they have given up over 50 points twice and have no QB and needs overtime to win and that guarantees them to go undefeated in your mind? No way, The Fighting Tebows are going to knock them of in Hotlanta. Texas Tech is ridiculously good on offense and I think their offensive line should win the heisman. I am serious, why shouldn't they? Graham Harrell could take a nap in the pocket wake up make pancakes and the complete 75% of his passes without anyone breathing on him.- Forrest"
They are good, but he's going to need to squeeze some fresh orange juice with those pancakes, and what about making a sandwich for later? I want to see them beat Oklahoma in Norman, and then I'll have faith. LSU may have gotten blown out.in those other two games but they were a couple plays away from being very very close. So in a way my perception of Alabama has changed so that I actually think they have a chance to go undefeated the rest of the year. They took everything LSU had to offer and still won.

Games:
#25 South Carolina at #4 Florida - Lots of people have said that they think Florida has a great shot to get to the national title game if they can beat Alabama. Well it's not quite so simple, first they have to beat the Gamecocks and former Florida coach Steve Spurrier, who has won only once in the three times he's played Florida, but he's kept the games interesting every time, so who knows what the "Ole Ball Coach" has cooked up, maybe some pizza! South Carolina is lead by QBs Chris Smelley and Stephen Garcia, who split time at the position last week, Garcia is a better athlete while Smelley is a better student of the game, which basically means he's bad but he knows the offense. The Florida Gators, are of course lead by former Heisman winner Tim Tebow who is as much a threat to run as he is to pass, and WR/RB/Butcher/Baker/Candlestickmaker Percy Harvin. This game is billed as the South Carolina defense versus the amazing Fighting Tebows offense, and although the Gamecocks might have the better defense, their offense is severely lacking and the last time I checked (last week) the Gators defense was pretty darn spiffy themselves. What confuses me is how a 7-3 team who hasn't beaten any ranked teams this year is back into the top 25? The only winning teams they've beaten were Wofford, who is a division below them, and they only won by 10 points, and umm Kentucky and Ole Miss both of whom have padded their schedules for the most part more then my sister padded her bra in middle school (although to be fair Ole Miss did beat Florida, but I wanted to make that joke work). But enough run on sentences. Florida has the firepower, they have the will power, and they have the…power power? Florida should win this game with ease, which would set them up for a final 2 games against Florida State and then Alabama in the SEC title game, hopefully for all the marbles and a chance to play for the BCS title.

The ACC - Rather than talk about all these games individually, I thought I would just have a quick prospective on the nation's most confused conference. As of now the ACC is still completely wide open with 9 teams that could possibly win the conference. In the Atlantic you have Florida State, Wake Forest, Maryland and even Boston College who could win that part of the conference and end up in the title game. On the coastal side there's North Carolina, Virginia Tech, Georgia Tech, Virgina, and Miami who could all with the conference, so basically as long as you don't go to Duke you are still in this thing. I can't tell you the ins and outs of who needs to win what and go dancing with whom while somebody else gets stood up for a lunch date to win it all. The only thing I've been able to learn is that Boston College, Maryland, and Virginia Tech all control their own destinies and if they win out they are in. It's a confusing league, with a plethora of possibilities and trying to predict what is going to happen is like herding cats, or trying to control a rambunctious puppy. Noth Carolina plays Maryland this week and all I can tell you is that Maryland is the least consistent team in the country, winning all their games against ranked opponents but getting stomped by Middle Tennessee State and the two big schools from Virginia. So if you go by that trend then the Terrapins are going to beat the 16th ranked Tarheels. Thursday night the VT Hokies play at Miami, a venue which has traditionally cause much stress and heartbreak for Tech fans, but who knows this year. A black cat could run across the field when Miami has the ball and then an errant pass gets intercepted by the ball boy who takes it to the house for 42 points and a Tech win. All possibilities are open, we just have to hope that there aren't any holes in the fabric of the universe during that game. BC also plays at Florida State in prime time, for that game I predict the Cinncinnati Bengals will be victorious.

Harvard at Pennsylvania - In the old nasty haunts of Franklin Field in Philadelphia these two Ivy league foes will face off to determine who will be most likely to take second place in the conference. Both teams lost to Brown so if Brown wins out then they would win the Ivy league. But that doesn't take away from this game, where the 5-3 Quakers face the 7-1 Crimson. Harvard are lead by Senior QB Chris Pizzotti who's highlights this year include him paying off the refs against Lehigh, and that time the guy he wanted to win the presidential election won. Penn on the other hand are lead by their defense, and a reasonably stout running game that goes for about 100 yards a game. As in all Ivy league games, this contest will be a game of wits, grit, strategy, grade inflation, and undersized athletes. If Harvard puts up over 27 points the game is won, because Penn has not once this year broken the 27 point barrier. Harvard has beaten most everyone Penn lost to pretty easily, so I look for the Crimson to roll in this game.

There aren't really too many other games that stick out to me as really sexy to watch. Which usually means there are going to be upsets, could be in any number of games but if I had to guess I'd go with these:
Mississippi State at #1 Alabama - Alabama is going to lose a game this year or so help me I will get a tattoo of Nick Saban on my chest
#6 USC at Stanford - A terrible Stanford team shocked USC last year, is this team terrible enough to be overlooked by USC?#
7 Utah at San Diego State - You don't just come in here and try to enjoy our beautiful weather without paying for it…oh you do, everyone does…ok then have fun then, get a fish taco.
#9 Boise State at Idaho - Boise is in the unenviable position of bing behind Utah in the rankings, which means if they both go undefeated then only Utah is guaranteed a spot in a BCS game.
#3 Texas at Kansas - If Kansas hadn't lost to Nebraska last week I would have wrote about this game, but they did and I'm lazy so you know how that goes.

$50,000 to kill yourself

So somehow yesterday during a conversation about how I was going ot put a $50,000 bounty on someone's head it came out that he would in fact kill himself for $50,000 dollars. Well that morphed into a group discussion on how you would kill yourself if you had $50,000 dollars to do it with (it's odd how these things sometimes go). The first thing that was suggested was that you could buy 50K worht of cocaine and snort it all till you OD'd. That's ok I guess but I thought that buying 50 $1000 bottles of champagne and bathing in it was a good way to go. But then my mind wandered back to a delightful time when I was walking back from lunch to ONR and I told the story of how I wanted to be santa and then get assasinated in front of a bunch of children. So that's what I would spend $50,000 dollars on to get myself killed, become a mall santa and then get shot in front of a crowd of children by a hitman. Even better would be if I could be the Macy's day parade santa and get shot while on TV, that way you traumatize 44 million people.

There are other great ways to kill yourself with $50,000 that I came up with yesterday, and yes I know I'm morbid but deal with it:
-Rent a plane, and crash it into the stage at halftime of this years Super Bowl killing Bruce Springsteen.

- Put a down payment on an extremely expensive car and then drive it at high speed off a cliff, or into a wall, or something I haven't ironed out all the details of that one yet.

- Pay 1000 really high priced hookers to beat you to death in an hour. Or pay 10000 really low priced hookers to do it.

- Spend $50 on poison and leave it all to your kids.

- Purchase a week at an expensive spa and then drown yourself.

God this is depressing, it started out funny, not so much any more. I'm out.

Blargle

I wish that it could be tomorrow morining already. I would have somethign productive to do with my time, something meaningful. I need a new book or something, something to occupy my time. I don't really like watching TV, and I'm already over my quota today. I'd go to bed but it's too early to sit and think about life until 3 am. So yeah, I'm bored, and I don't have any other things to do, my laundry is folded, my room is clean my bed is made, the kitchen, the bathrooms, the living room and the dishes are all clean. Sigh.

Late Halloween

Halloween came and went again this year and as always I'm kinda confused and overwhelmed. I didn't get crazy or even drunk, in fact all I did was drive my roomates and some friends to a house party. The party was at this extremely nice house, right on the bay, huge, big back yard and large garage. I couldn't believe we were walking into this place to start with it was that nice. But as it turns out it was rented (I have no idea how to rent a house that nice) by 4 guys who periodically throw huge parties. And this was no exception. It was packed both inside and outside with tons and tons of people. I stood there and people watched most of the night until I carted everyone home. But these were some of my observations.

Firstly, just like every year, Halloween is an excuse for girls to wear the absolute trashiest stuff they can find and then go out and get hammered. But I'm not going to dwell on that because it rarely has anything to do with me and it also doesn't affect me at all so why bother complaining or even commenting? I guess it has to be said! But now that I've said it that's all I've got.

The most popular costumes were Michael Phelps (saw 6 people dressed as him), The Joker, and pirates. The best was though that there were two dudes at the party dressed as steve prefontaine, and two dressed as mr. t one with black face on, and one without. My friend went dressed as the devil, all black suit with black tie and small black horns and red eye contacts, and there was a dude at the party dressed as god, completely unplanned, in an all white suit. That was hilarious. There was also a dude dressed as a pedo, he had a hat and creepy moustache and glasses, and a manufactured shirt that had a car and , "My other ride is your 8 year old". As always I'm reminded that if I'm going to dress up I really ought to put more thought into my costume, I'm also reminded how awkward I feel at house parties most of the time. That last bit has nothing to do with Halloween, it's just an observation.

I like Halloween in theory but people tend to get too crazy. I agree with what most people I talked to said which is that its best left to the crazies and going to a house party and drinking lightly or not at all is quite acceptable. I certainly like it more than what I saw, which sometimes involved people getting too much into character and having pseudo confrontations and those kinds of things. I enjoy seeing people be creative with costumes, but I'm glad it only comes once a year. I can only take so much Michael Phelps, and seeing 200 of him is a bit disconcerting.

Keepin it free as hell

Don't tell my co-workers, but I'm not wearing any underwear for the rest of the day. It's not on purpose, I don't deliberately do this just to be sneaky and or feel better. Sadly it's only because I forgot to pack an extra pair of undies when I came to work this morning, and when I got done working out at lunch time I decided to not put on my sweaty clothes. This doesn't happen often, in fact only once or twice as far as I can tell. But it is funny to me to be walking around all day, one zipper slip away from being sent home forever. So I'll have to maintain extra zipper security so that I don't get fired when I go get a drink or something like that.

There have been other instances of this that were highly amusing to me. One time after SPIIN class I went on a date with no underwear on. That date didn't go anywhere because I'm a huge prude and extremely unaggressive but if it had gone somewhere you have to assume that at some point she might have wondered why I wasn't wearing boxers or anything. Then I would have had to tell my sad sack story about how I forgot to bring an extra pair. Actually that's the only time I can think of, my life is so not exciting.

Anyhow, I don't think I'd enjoy the difference everyday, certainly it would change the way I do laundry but after awhile the novelty would wear off. There are other more disgusting side effects that I'm just not going to talk about, but you can think about them. Think about them now, I'll give you some adjectives to help:
Hairy
Overly Disgusting Smell
Skid marks
Norman Rockwell Painting
Cankles
Lack of Fundamental Decency
Pale
Small and Useless

Election Day '08

Thank god it's finally here. For fucking ever I have been sick of all the campaigning and forced commercials, and stupid media forced down my throat. This presidential campaign in particular has dragged on for what seems like 3 years. I'm tired of it. I was tired of it 2 years and 9 months ago. Finally the day of release is upon us and I can stop seeing goddamn political adds everywhere I go.

I don't hate politics, in fact far from it. But I educate myself, going out and finding what I need to know and what the changes and ebbs and flows in the political landscape. I keep myself well versed in the affairs of state both in this country and in others. I can, if pressed, speak knowledgeably about both or many sides of any political argument or discussion (note: all discussions always turn into arguments when it comes to politics). All that being said, I hate talking about politics. I hate being drawn into to someones fervor or opinion and having to hear them preach about how partisan they are and how the other side is wrong. See that's the thing, you don't hear much reasonable discourse on political matters in this country, talking about politics turns almost everyone partisan as heck and unable to talk without venom in their fangs. I hate it, there's very few people I know that can talk about politics without puffing out their chest and trying to convert all those around them.

The other thing I dislike is that people oftentimes feel like they are entitled to what you think. Entitled to know how you feel on every subject involving an election. I on the other hand don't tell anyone how I really feel politically, with the exception of 1 person (and that person knows who she is). It's not in my best interests to be so open with how I feel about political matters pretty frequently, so I shut it all down. I'll talk about topics, but I'll play both sides of the argument, to some I'm quite the contrarian, always being opposite of whom I'm in the room with or being opposite of everyone at the same time. People usually guess wrong when they guess who I want to win, and depending on who is in the room they'll be surprised when someone else guesses the exact opposite of them. The point is that I keep it very close to my vest when it comes to politics, and I become agitated when someone presses me after I tell them that. It happens slightly less here than it did in DC, but it happens. Some people even feel hurt when I take that approach, but I don't feel like I need to tell people how I'm going to vote.

Thankfully all this political frenzy will die down in a couple days. People for the most part will return to their reasonable selves and things will be better for awhile. That is, until a year from now when the next presidential campaign starts gearing up.

Not gonna have a good time

It's one of those frustrating days today, one of those days where it has just been shit thusfar. I've got plenty to do, no question there, piles and piles and piles of work to be done. But every ounce of it is taking longer then I thought, I can't tell whether I'm just dragging or if I just didn't budget my time correctly. Either way going through all these assignments I have is like wading through a molasses swimming pool but not nearly as sugary. In a way it's nice because it makes the day go by faster but it's also frustrating since it means I'll have to work late again. Ugh.

The second reason my day has continued to go downhill is that I rode my bike in. Which is great and despite it being pretty cold this morning it was lots of fun and good for me. But it now creates complications. I have basically worked through lunch most of the last two weeks, which isn't bad but it gets boring. It makes you feel like you haven't left your desk in ages and today I wanted to actually go out to lunch (despite my lack of time to do so) since I hadn't left my desk in 48 hours. But since I rode my bike I would have to rely on others to go out to lunch, and that's where the being so busy came into play. I was too busy to notice the time and that everyone has stepped out for lunch. Ok so that's no big deal I can just get lunch at the deli on base and eat at my desk like normal. Except for the fact that I have no cash, and they don't take credit cards, and the atm across the street is out of order. So now instead of eating lunch alone at my desk I'm writing this blog post at my desk alone with nothing to eat. Pretty goddamn pathetic and I've got nobody to blame but myself.

On top of all of this having a bad day just gets my mind spinning. What do I have to go home to after this long day? I'll go to the gym, I'll clean my room, I'll sit in bed for hours until I fall asleep at 3 AM, get my 2 hours of sleep, and back to work tomorrow. I guess that shouldn't really get me down, it's been quite some time since I've had anything to look forward to about my everyday life. And to be frank I should probably expect things to remain the same, but it's somewhat depressing to think about that. I like responsibility and all those types of things I just have a very little going on in my life to be responsible for. Anyhow that's all the time I have to moan and groan and be self serving, I need to get back to work. No punchline today, just bad feelings for my bad mood.

Oh also a guy in my office dropped nearly dead in a meeting with a bunch of people this morning. He's in the hospital now and the question is how much brain damage he sustained. So there's that which is a big scary as well.

California Radio

One of the first things I noticed when I got out here was how much better the radio stations were out here than in DC. I know what you are saying, why would anyone still listen to the radio? Doesn't everyone have satellite radio or an Ipod or a bunch of CD's? Get with the times Jenkins! Well I don't have satellite radio and my Ipod got stolen like a year ago and I don't listen to CD's that much. So take that! So when I'm in the car I listen to the radio, and the stations here are so much better, more variety, better DJ's, and they have unique programming. The station I listen to the most, 94.9, plays rock/alternative stuff and they play all the current hits but they also play obscure B-sides from albums that weren't a band's most well known. It makes for fun listening those few times when I'm in the car with the radio on (I always have the radio on in the car, I just am rarely in the car).

The best is on Friday mornings (the few times I've caught it) when they have a Blues hour, and they play really old Blues tunes. It's so cool. I could listen to old Blues recordings forever, and when I mean old I mean like 1920's, dirty south, poor black guy waiting for a train blues. I think it's the greatest ever. The thing is though, that if there was a station dedicated to playing just old school blues jams, I might never listen to it. An hour is great, but I would never stop on a station long enough to hear that it was a Blues station. And I just don't meet enough radio aficionados to hear about anything like that. It's a shame I'm so singular in my radio tastes but then again it's not a medium I experience often. I don't actively listen to the radio at home, only when I'm in the car, and on an average week I'm in the car less than an hour a week. Stil I really like the radio here and maybe I should take more advantage of that (I can't listen to it at work).

The radio seems to be a dwindling medium, much like Newspapers. I think that like the morning paper, it will be around in some form forever. But it's only going to become less and less used and listened to. Soon no channel will have any character and they will all be these massive clear channel conglomerates. Shame but that's the way the world works. I will just have to enjoy my Friday blues hour whenever I get a chance. I'm certainly enjoying the fact that San Diego has such cool radio stations, and people, and places, and weather, etc, etc.

Urgent!!!! On a friday

So today I got a request from an office in Washington that was extremely urgent, so urgent in fact that we have to get in a response for something that could have like a $60 Million dollar impact by close of business eastern standard time. Which any other day would be like 2 PM my time. But on a Friday it's like 12, which wouldn't have been a problem if we had gotten the request last night. Instead we got it this morning at about 10 AM. 2 hour turnaround, on a Friday, ~$60 Mil. Smart huh? Not to mention the most important factor which is that a significant portion of people won't be here. In it being the most common day for workers to take off most government employees are on a 9 day schedule, working an extra hour 8 out of 10 working days and getting the 10th day off. So roughly less than 50% of the workforce is here today and we have this urgent request for information that probably requires input from 50-100 people in 2 hours.
I'm not blaming the Navy Financial Management and Budget office (FMB) that asked for this data, I'm blaming the Office of the Secretary of Defense, who asked them for this. Like, if this was truly that important, and to be fair $60M isn't that much money in the grand scheme of things, OSD would have asked for this on Thursday. Or they would have asked for it by next week, not by today. What do these people have no lives? It's ridiculous and apparently they asked for even more from FMB. It's just dumb, like why did they wait for the last minute to ask for this information? Why did they not send out a memo a week ago asking for it today? Why did they not give me $60M? Why can I not seem to get behind the new Guns and Roses song? it just sounds so damn electronic and generic. I mean c'mon you had 180000 years to make this album, how about having a title track that makes sense or has good lyrics, not some terrible electronic mess.

What I want today

I thought at some point before lunch that I would like to swim in a pool filled with gummy bears. But after further reflection I realized that not only would I not like to do that, but that it would be really weird. First of all you would get all sugary and gross. Yuck. Second, you wuold never be able to eat gummie bears again. Third, if you accidently ended up getting those gummy bears that are kinda a little bit chalky it would like make you choke and dry out your skin while making it slimy. I guess I should have thought this plan through, because in addition to not being fun, the cleanup would be hell. How do you dispose of a pool full of gummy? Eat it all? Who wants to eat gummy bears that I've swam in? You can't just let it sit. Ugh this project is getting worse all the time. Sometimes I even wonder if it's worth it.

Coldasice

Best picture I've ever seen. It encompasses all that I love in this world...not really.

I forgot an extra shirt today

I forgot to pack a workout shirt for the gym today. Which effectively means I can't work out at lunch. Which makes my day feel 45 minutes longer since I'll spend time sitting at my desk rather than working out. Which sucks because working out makes me relax and it's good for me, plus anything to make the day go by faster is always helpful, even though there aren't enough hours in the day as is. Basically I'm just pissed at myself for forgetting something. Sometimes I think that I need 1000 checklists in life so that I don't forget anything. I almost forget my wallet every day...EVEY DAY! Sometimes my forgetfullness can be very detrimental and today is no exception. I need checklists or something, maybe a robot that hands me things as I go out the door. Also I need instant grocery lists that come up on my cell phone since I always forget the ones I make at home.

Why am I here

It's not a super deep question, it's not about why am I here on this plane of existence or some other metaphysical psychological nonsense. But in a very direct way it is a question of why am I here, at work today, on my day off. Is there some higher purpose for which I have arrived in this place? Is there some being above me that has some task in mind for me to complete? And if that's the case why hasn't this higher power shown themselves and told me what I should be doing here. Am I supposed to be some pawn in a real life cosmic game of chess? What am I doing here!

It could be something so simple, maybe I'm just a small piece of an intergalactic puzzle that involves me being at work today. Or maybe, I am the puzzle, and the only way people can figure me out is by making me do tasks on my day off. Maybe the world is complicated and I'm supposed to be on some quest, or complete some errand that sets all things back into balance, today, and not on monday. I guess in many ways I'll never know the truth. I could just be here as a spec on someones windshield or maybe the whole office revolves around me. It is certainly going to take someone with a much deeper understanding of life to have me figure out why I'm here today.

Performance Appraisal

So today I wrote my performance appraisal. I hate doing this, I just hate it. It is sometimes arbitrary boasting about things I did during the last 4 months. At first you think what have I done since I've been here? Then as you get near the character limit on it you realize you've done more things then you've got room for. So you have to pick and choose what was more important, "Well christ beating those clowns to death outside of the men's locker room was pretty important, but was it more important then staging that fake archery contest so that I could assassinate the Duke of Istanbul?" It's a tough call, especially when you have to work in language that makes you sound stupid but shows that yes, you did your job instead of surfing the net all day for pictures of a Matt Damon impersonator or lookalike. I mean in my case I have technical proficiency objectives but some of them are so easy that it hurts for me to say. For example, "Taught other employees how to successfully use PBIS to receive queries, updated folder on how to navigate PBIS for new employees. Provided training for new employees on PBIS use and acronym knowledge." That may sound like a mouthful but other then the teaching part if I couldn't use PBIS then I would be executed or fired.

The point is that even if I think I'm not doing great at work, sometimes the bar is set so low that I can blow the objective out of the water. I honestly think that in most cases, I destroyed parts of my job well beyond expectations and there's no way I shouldn't receive a top rating. Especially given that I was only here for 4 months before the end of the year. I mean the amount of things I've accomplished since I got here are pretty staggering when you look at them on a whole. Which is good because as I've said before I'm not good at much in my life but since my job is just about the only important obligation I have I had better be damn good at that. At least I try to be. But sometimes I'm not sure if it shows how good I am, so I have to try and write it up in bullet points to convince people I'm excellent at my job?

I used to put in a bullet or two of humor items in my year end write-up back at ONR. You know stupid things like, "Came to work with hair combed over 60% of the time". I thought it was funny and made sure that whomever was reading them would actually read them (they always did). But now I'm in a new system out here where what I wrote actually goes to someone other then my direct supervisor and so the fun bullets get dropped. So that sucks, and I'm sad I don't get to do that anymore. While I was doing this whole bullshitty mess I realized how not cool it would be to have to do a end of the year appraisal to someone at a higher level of life than you. Mine would be completely worthless, or amazing, depending on who was reading it.

Fiscal Year 2008 Marty Jenkins Accomplishments:
- Not once did I eat a staple, not even when I was hungry.
- Stayed in a darkened room masturbating for a couple hours while thinking what kind of nacho cheese I wanted on my burrito at lunch.
- Almost never daydreamed about riding a horse while sitting in staff meetings.
- Never got caught checking out a hot chick at the gym beyond a reasonable amount as decided by my peers or supervisors.
- Did not crash my car or anyone else's car, only crashed one blimp.
- Successfully maintained auto insurance despite slothfulness.
- Never once coveted my neighbors wife. Not at all.
- Watched sports on the couch in only boxers when nobody else was home only a dozen times.
- Completed and oversaw the construction of an IKEA desk with minimal damage to my person and the desk.
- Only answered the front door in my underwear once, and it was a guy trying to sell me cable and phone service so I felt completely justified.
- Communicated with others in a normal fashion except for that one girl I liked who I stalked and put letters under her door and wrote messages on her windshield while she was sleeping.
- Wanted to run down less than 25 children under the age of 15.
- Wanted to run down more then 60 children under the age of 20 and over the age of 15.
- Ate a whole pizza when I was really hungry.
- Did not give away any of this nation's secrets, also did not divulge any of Blue's Clues.
- Moved across the country and didn't even eat at McDonald's once during the trip.
- Never invited a Jehovah's Witness into the house just so that I had someone to play video games against.
- Only one traffic ticket, and I didn't deserve that one.
- Did not punch any birds, no matter how much they might have deserved it.
- Did not fail any math or science tests.
- Did not pass any math or science tests.
- Did not get called out in front of the entire command that one day during the all hands when I was wearing a shirt pants and tie combination that did not match.
- Never financed a war against a school of dolphins.
- Financed a underground war against the makers of Play-doh for their making such a delicious and yet toxic product.
- Did not kill Santa Claus, despite popular rumors.
- I successfully made it through an entire year without having any eggplant.
- Only came to work without showering first once or twice.
- Did not steal a jet pilot costume so that I could commander a jet, did steal a helicopter pilot outfit but I gave it back pre-joyride.
- Always checked myself before I wrickity wrecked myself.

Paul Newman

I like many was very sad to hear that Paul Newman passed away this weekend. He is one of my all time favorite actors, right up there with Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, Tom Hanks (actually I don't like Tom Hanks but he's really good), Vin Diesel, Paul Rubens. I know nothing personally about Paul Newman's charities or his other business ventures, but from everything I'm reading the man was very transcendent and great. His work wasn't only in movies, and films, but also in philanthropy and racing and salad dressing. He was just all over the place and I heard yesterday that his charitable donations were something in the range of $175 million dollars to children's efforts. Wow just wow, what an amazing life, I hope he passed peacefully. I wish I'd known him more personally but all I can speak to are his movies. I used to be, and still am to some extent a huge movie buff, could have gone into film school but never did. I also don't ever reveal my all time favorite movies unless someone asks really nicely.

Paul Newman had at least three films on my every changing top 25, surely between Slap Shot, The Sting, Cool Hand Luke, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, The Color of Money, The Hustler, and several others. I like him in Cool Hand Luke so much that I can't see a minute of that movie without watching the rest of it. Slap Shot might be his most underrated role, he is that movie, it's all so silly and heartfelt and yet that was the kind of role he always played. Any time he was with Robert Redford you knew the movie was going to be out of this world. They had more on-screen chemistry than any other pair in the history of filmaking in my opinion, just phenomenally funny and charming they were fantastic to watch together. Newman always seemed so genuine and likeable, it's really nice to hear that he was a fantastic guy off the screen as well.

He was nominated for 9 individual acting Oscars, he only won the best actor in a leading roll Oscar on his 7th try. When I think of great actors, he is one of my top 5 easily, and maybe my favorite, I don't think organizations like the AFI give him all the credit he deserves. They don't make actors as good as Paul Newman anymore, not even close, his movies aren't just good, but they are fun to watch. He is fun to watch. He was apparently on Richard Nixon's enemies list, that's how good of an actor he was. I think his films really show how hard he worked, heck I think his everything shows how hard he worked in life. I am a little bit sad that someone so wonderful left us, but his legacy will live on for a long long time.

I didn't accomplish anything this weekend.

I had maybe the least productive weekend of all time. Was the laundry folded? Negative. Was the house clean? Nope. Did I fix or try to improve myself in any way? Absolutely not. Well that last one isn't completely true. I did go to the gym and get a haircut. But I still feel like there was much failure. I went to the grocery store and couldn't find any of the 5 or so ingredients I wanted to cook some things. It was frustrating. Then I went to the cooking store and they had nothing either. They told me I could go to some store in La Jolla (where I would pay $1000000 for some salt) or some Asian market far away. Needless to say I wasn't feeling that motivated.

The point being that I think for me to have fun on the weekend I need to actually do something that's productive. I did the dishes on sunday night, did my laundry, but that was about it. Nothing really constructive, not anything that required time and or thought. Drank some beer, went to the gym, socialized a little bit. Not much else. Pretty sad really. I might feel alot better about the weekend if I had actually built a home for someone, or the Eagles had won. I would feel much better if the Eagles had won. I need my knee to get all the way better so I can play tennis...or so I can sleep on the couch more. I can guarentee you I'll sleep on the couch more then I'll play tennis. Mmm...couch tennis...the greatest sport?

Why you are dumb

Feels so good

In the last couple days my hurt knee has started doing some funny things. Not like haha funny but more like oh my gosh did Uncle Bill really just take his pants off and start humping the Thanksgiving turkey funny. Last week it felt like it needed to pop all week, and I couldn't get it to, it felt really annoying. I'm sure most people know what it's like when they want a joint to pop, sometimes it just feels fantastic. Well on Monday my knee finally popped, while I was walking. It felt f'ing amazing. Since then it's randomly been popping when I walk and it feels great every time. It's like sex but I'm having it. Ok maybe not that fantastic, but it does feel great. One of the things that makes it so uniquely special is that I have no way to trigger the popping, it just happens, so it's not like I can do it whenever I want. This is not going to turn into a diatribe about masturbation by the way.


I also rode my bike to work twice this week for the first time since the injury. And so far so good. I think what has really helped was the addition of a pair of biking cleats so I can clip in. This makes my peddling all more controlled so I'm not sliding my knee around. I was really worried that clipping in would be really hard and I've heard lots of horror stories about people falling when they first use them and stuff. It's really easy though, I just kinda put my feet where they sorta ought to be and then it clips in. I haven't had any problems yet which is surprising because if there's a way I can hurt myself with a new gadget I'll do it. It is going to take a little more getting used to but so far so good. Those are famous last words and I'm sure that when I get hit by a bus on the way home tonight because I couldn't work my pedals, you'll know why.

I still need to see a doctor, but I'm more optimistic about my knee now then I was a month ago. It could still be torn and I'm not sure I would have surgery, I might just deal with it forever. Besides I'm planning on being dead by 35 anyway so it's not that much longer I have to suffer. Mmm the sweet embrace of death...you are all I have to look forward to.

Ouch Expensive

I'm spending more money at the grocery store then ever before, like high class hooker money. Certainly more then I was spending in DC, probably by a factor of at least 2. In DC I used to go grocery shopping once or twice a month, now I go at least once a week, sometimes up to 3 times. I'm not sure how I shopped so infrequently in DC, but I did. Now I keep all this fresh produce and meat and healthy food around. Well I keep some around, I still don't keep very much food in the house but certainly enough for a week. I'm not sure why I decided to start eating all this healthy stuff and skip eating out for dinner. But I've got carrots, celery, and different kinds of lettuce, and fresh deli meat and even milk in the fridge! It's all so strange. I don't keep anything that's not fresh, it's a pretty drastic change from when I was living in DC. No cans of spagetti-o's or chili, no frozen pizzas. I literally run out of yogurt every week, as opposed to letting it languish in the fridge till it's bad. It's kinda strange.

Overall I think it's very good. It is allegedly healthy and that's supposed to be good right? But I look at my credit card statement and the food bills from grocery stores are way up. I think that the receipts from restaurants are way down, but I'd actually have to do research for that and I don't really feel like doing the work. But eating much better is great, I think in some small way it makes up for the fact that I don't sleep very much. Plus I get to cook for myself more and more if I want to. I like cooking, I just don't do it terribly often since there's nobody to cook for but myself. Kinda silly to spend a half hour or longer cooking for only me. Unless I am trying to seduce myself, in which case I better get home and shave and start cooking before I lose interest in myself and it doesn't matter what I cook...

Sometimes you just gotta tell a joke

The guy behind me at the ATM today decided to stop me as I walked away and tell me a long joke about the Federal Reserve's $700 Billion bailout package and how it affected our money in the bank. I kinda gave the guy a smile and said something as I hastened away. It was an awful joke, but even more important, it was a political joke to a stranger who you know nothing about other then the fact that he's using an ATM. I guess since we work at a military installation you could infer some other things but not so much now as you could probably 10 years ago. The point being that I don't think this guy thought of any of that. I just think he had this joke in his head he had to tell to someone, no matter who, before he forgot it or his head exploded. Or maybe he was using it as an icebreaker to hit on me! Or maybe that's how he was introducing himself to everyone that day, telling an unfunny but topical joke.

Whatever the case, I can totally see where he was coming from if he needed to tell that joke. Sometimes a joke just pops into your head and you have to run to the nearest person and tell them, much like if you have to pee really bad and you run to the restroom. Oddly enough you make the same face when you need to pee really bad as when you need to tell a joke. The amount of pressure you relieve is also equal. Just like peeing however you really need to pick your place to do it, I'm not sure which one is stranger, having to hear an awful joke after I get done using the ATM, or seeing someone pee right after I get done using the ATM. How did this become so about urine, I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Philly, I love you

http://www.sportingnews.com/blog/firstcuts/tag/157124/carl

On Carl living close to philly and asking if he ever went to games:
"I would sooner make love to a man and set fire to myself then enter Philly city limits. Look I'm glad they did all that stuff with the Constitution I'm happy for them, but it don't make them smarter then me."

"It's a terrible place to be, it's a terrible place to live, and it yeah I don't know why people give it no other credit with the bell and all that. They're not so great, they're not so great."

I love this, they have the guy who voices Carl on ATHF talk on the Sporting news every week. It's hilarious and he personifies most New York Giants fans perfectly. Just really really funny stuff.

The sound that kills

On my way home from work on Thursday the radio played the new James Bond theme song. It took me about 15 seconds and then I wanted to changed the channel. But I stayed my hand, just to hear how awful it could be. It's the worst song I've ever heard, and I know I exaggerate alot, but I honestly feel like this is the worst piece of music I've ever heard. For those of you who haven't had your ears poisoned, the song is by Alicia Keys and Jack White and it's apparently called "Another Way to Die". It's a disjointed mess with no continuity, I read somewhere that they wanted to create a unique sound, and they certainly did that. I would just like to point out that unique is not a synonym for good, and in this case it is a synonym for hair tearingly awful. At no point in the song was I like, oh I hope I hear that part again.

I fail to think of another song as mind blisteringly terrible in all facets. The singing is terrible, the lyrics are bad, the guitar intermixed with the pop beat is awful, the pop beat is putrid and on top of all of that they mixed in a partial orchestra and told them to play the worst possible piece of 4 note music they could vomit onto paper. There are no redeeming qualities, and if there is any justice in this world I won't hear it on the radio again. In fact I may not go see the movie just because I would have to sit through a version of the song in the opening credits. Ugh.

I realize taste in music is objective and what you consider good or bad is opinion and may differ from person to person. Well let me tell you that if you consider this song good you are objectively wrong and your opinion is also wrong. Whomever produced or green-lit this song should be expelled from Hollywood for all time, and be forced to listen to this song on repeat till they willingly accept death in the form of suicide because of the dishonor they have brought upon themselves (I'm not really advocating this and never would). I'm putting this disaster on the same level of the Bay of Pigs and Challenger, somehow somewhere group think was involved and this song got to see the light of day. The brain trust that controls all things James Bond agreed to publish this song for distribution and I'm not sure what the political intricacies were that allowed this but it needs to be investigated, and the master and all other copies need to be destroyed, both digital and hard.

How about this, another way to die is to willingly listen to this song more then once.

Wildly Unacceptable

So I caught a commercial for a show last night while eating my home made stir fry (which was fantastic, I love cooking) for some news program that was going to tour a chef's house. I was thinking how uncool it would be if they opened this guy's fridge and there was nothing but leftovers, condiments, and instant pizzas in the freezer. You know, just like a normal guy's fridge. He'll have 6 beers, no 2 of which are the same type, and some vegetables stuffed into the back of the fridge with like, a little mold. Then you look in the sink and there's four days worth of dirty dishes. All of this would just be completely unacceptable from a gourmet chef. "Uhh I don't really like to keep any food in the house."

It might cause kind of a scandal and people might not understand. But if you think about it, maybe it makes sense. I mean these chefs spend all day every day cooking and maybe they just don't feel like taking their work home. It would be like if a professional landscaper had terrible landscaping or a gardener having weeds everywhere in their yard. It would be pretty bad, but I could totally see it. It could be even more drastic in some cases, like a child psychologist having two total brats for kids. Maybe they just don't like plying their trade at home, they've been on on the job all day and now it's time to relax. The sad thing is that if enough people saw it that those people's lively hood would likely be negatively affected.

In the end I'm sure that most professional chefs have amazing kitchens at home. They probably stock everything they could possibly need to cook something nice and their kitchen is spotless. But I bet just like the rest of us there are days when it's time to just come home, pop open a can of Chef-Boy-ardee and watch Oprah or whatever the hell normal people do. I take my work home with me all the time, but you don't see me financial analyzing every night. I'll be damned if I'm going to have nothing in the fridge though, and my lawn and landscaping need to be fabulous.

Season Changes

Living in San Diego is funny sometimes. The season changes are a great example. Right now in DC the weather is turning into fall and there are oodles (a very technical term) of changes. Here not so much. The only difference is that it is darker when I wake up in the morning but other then that not a hint of change. It's not cooler, the air isn't crisper, the leaves aren't changing. It is weird in a way. I watched college football in an outdoor bar a block form the beach on saturday. If my knee wasn't hurt I could be playing beach volleyball every saturday. In a way it's fun but part of me misses the crispness of a fall morning. The fall has always been my favorite season, it just has so many things to offer, but I won't be experiencing fall when I live here. Odd.

What a way to start the day.

So the other morning, I woke up and got ready for work, positively giddy at the prospect of a bowl of cereal for breakfast. I went downstairs, poured the cereal into the bowl and opened the refrigerator to find that my last bit of milk had been pilfered by my roomate while I slept. You should have seen my face, I was so sad. But the amount my heart sank over something so small was hilarious. It was no big deal, I just grabbed some yogurt and went to work, but the fact that I was looking forward to a bowl of cereal so much was pretty telling about my life. I'm not looking for that big promotion, or a new car, I just want a bowl of cereal in the morning, which I was denied :(

On the drive to work (yes I'm still driving to work rather then biking because of my knee goddamn it) I was pretty stoked because I was going to get to work 15 minutes early and start my day. But when I got onto Pacific Highway just past the California Highway Police Stations (CHiPs that try to hit me every morning when I ride my bike) there was a police blockade. Literally 6 police cars parked across the road and police dogs preventing anyone from passing. And an officer was making everyone turn around. So I had to jump back on the freeway and find an alternate path, which caused me to be five minutes late to work. I'm curious as to what would have happened if I had been on my bike. There aren't really any other routes that I could have taken, certainly not any safe routes.

It was an overall bad start to a day but like I always think, bad things come in droves so the deluge of badness is likely just begun. Maybe I'm getting fired!

Priorities

My co-worker yesterday was complaining that she always needs one dollar bills to give to her kids for lunch at school. She had to trade a twenty to someone who had a bunch of ones. I mentioned that I too was in constant need of one dollar bills, to play songs on the jukebox at the bar...I mean I'm standing there and I want to hear another three songs and I'm shit out of luck because I don't have any one dollar bills. A third co-worker chimed in today that she only ever needed one dollar bills to tip the people who bag groceries at he commissary. It's all about where you are in life I guess, and I'm a bad example.

I never need cash except to buy lunch at work and even then I don't really need it. I use my credit card for everything and pay the balance on that once or twice a month. I have no real priorities or obligations except to go to work and nobody depends on me. Which is kinda depressing in a way. My co-worker on the other hand is responsible for filtering money down to her children who are in school. It's important that she does these things and she has 100 more things than I do on her plate that are actual obligations. The third co-worker has other obligations, her home, her husband and a whole slew of things that don't cross my radar.

I guess what I'm getting at is I still living a relative care free lifestyle. I'm basically a grown up child because outside of my bills, my rent, and my job, there's nothing that I have to worry about. But I do need one dollar bills, let's not forget that. If I don't have one dollar bills I have to listen to crappy music at the bar and I won't stand for that. Not at all. A man's got to have principles, and all though I have nothing to have principles about that doesn't mean I don't have them. For example, toilet paper should be hung on the roll in the correct overhand fashion, no exceptions. It makes me sick to see toilet paper incorrectly mounted, and by God I'm not going to stand for it. But seriously though, I need a dollar...for the jukebox.

Coolest background ever

So I updated the background on my computer moniter at work to something a little more happiness inspiring. Now whenever I'm feeling down or walking back to my desk after a meeting I see my new image and a smile instantly comes to my face. I'm such a little kid some times it's scary but I can't think of anything more fun than a T-Rex in an F-14. It's straight out of Bill Watterson's 'Calvin and Hobbes' and since I get such joy looking at it I can't image how fun it must have been to draw. It might be one of my top 5 drawings in all of art, and once upon a time I considered myself somewhat of an art buff (no longer). Oh man I may never change my background to an adult professional theme again. Because after all work can't be all serious, plus this ties into Navy interests right? F-14...

Rusty

So I just got done posting my first college football article of the season over at http://fatkidmusings.blogspot.com/ and I will admit, I feel rusty as heck. These things take a significant amount of time and thought. I have neither so I just fake it. But one terrible terrible pun aside I thought the article was ok, but not stellar. Hopefully someone will laugh, maybe someone will cry (me). The point being it's been a long time since I wrote one of those. They can be really fun to write but I just feel so out of touch with it. Hopefully it will pick up as I do it more often but if it's anything like my sex life, success will be short lived, rare, with long periods in between.

Another day another shirt

So I blew out the elbow of another shirt today. Today's shirt was a nice Joseph Banks white wrinkle free shirt. Awesome. That's only like another $70 bucks out the window. Luckily as my friend said, "The best place to go is Jos A Banks or a Brooks Brothers outlet store. JosABank has a sale every 30 seconds, that is an accurate number and not an exaggeration, so go check it out. " Funny story, there are no Brooks Brothers Stores out here, they closed the last one and a new one isn't opening till october. I like Brooks Brothers shirts more because they are longer. So I'll have to find a Joseph Banks. I have multiple white shirts this is just one of the wrinkle free nice ones. And While I was typing that sentence they had 3 sales. So hopefully I will walk into the store during one of their hundreds of thousands of sales a year.

Call me now and I'll tell you the futcha

This morning I woke up and while I was getting ready I had this obnoxious 'Alice in Chains' song in my head. I was thinking of it while shaving, thinking of it when I tied my tie, thinking of it when I ate my yogurt for breakfast (as a side note, yogurt might be my favorite kind of breakfast...fast). I was humming the stupid song when I limped out to my car and turned the key. And sure enough, what song came on the radio? Same one I'd been thinking about all morning, exactly in tune with my humming. Odd. I mean this is 5:45 in the morning so it's not like I heard somebody with the radio on previous to that.

I guess I would be less freaked out if the song in question was new and was consistently seeing radio play. But this song is over 10 years old, and you hear it on the radio every once in awhile but not terribly frequently. I'm not even sure why it was in my head, I don't think I've heard it for awhile. All I can think of is that I have some kind of clairvoyance or premonition ability that can only work in the most useless of situations. I mean how useful could knowing what song is going to be on the radio be? I guess I could win a couple dollars on bets or whatever but it just doesn't seem like the most efficient way of making money with a unique skill. I mean it's only slightly more useless then being a professional kitten fighter. Although to be fair I bet I could be the greatest kitten prize fighter of all time. And after I defeat each kitten I will have someone bring a radio into the ring, and I will predict what will be on the radio! We're talking dozens and dozens of dollars here that I could be raking in.