Performance Appraisal

So today I wrote my performance appraisal. I hate doing this, I just hate it. It is sometimes arbitrary boasting about things I did during the last 4 months. At first you think what have I done since I've been here? Then as you get near the character limit on it you realize you've done more things then you've got room for. So you have to pick and choose what was more important, "Well christ beating those clowns to death outside of the men's locker room was pretty important, but was it more important then staging that fake archery contest so that I could assassinate the Duke of Istanbul?" It's a tough call, especially when you have to work in language that makes you sound stupid but shows that yes, you did your job instead of surfing the net all day for pictures of a Matt Damon impersonator or lookalike. I mean in my case I have technical proficiency objectives but some of them are so easy that it hurts for me to say. For example, "Taught other employees how to successfully use PBIS to receive queries, updated folder on how to navigate PBIS for new employees. Provided training for new employees on PBIS use and acronym knowledge." That may sound like a mouthful but other then the teaching part if I couldn't use PBIS then I would be executed or fired.

The point is that even if I think I'm not doing great at work, sometimes the bar is set so low that I can blow the objective out of the water. I honestly think that in most cases, I destroyed parts of my job well beyond expectations and there's no way I shouldn't receive a top rating. Especially given that I was only here for 4 months before the end of the year. I mean the amount of things I've accomplished since I got here are pretty staggering when you look at them on a whole. Which is good because as I've said before I'm not good at much in my life but since my job is just about the only important obligation I have I had better be damn good at that. At least I try to be. But sometimes I'm not sure if it shows how good I am, so I have to try and write it up in bullet points to convince people I'm excellent at my job?

I used to put in a bullet or two of humor items in my year end write-up back at ONR. You know stupid things like, "Came to work with hair combed over 60% of the time". I thought it was funny and made sure that whomever was reading them would actually read them (they always did). But now I'm in a new system out here where what I wrote actually goes to someone other then my direct supervisor and so the fun bullets get dropped. So that sucks, and I'm sad I don't get to do that anymore. While I was doing this whole bullshitty mess I realized how not cool it would be to have to do a end of the year appraisal to someone at a higher level of life than you. Mine would be completely worthless, or amazing, depending on who was reading it.

Fiscal Year 2008 Marty Jenkins Accomplishments:
- Not once did I eat a staple, not even when I was hungry.
- Stayed in a darkened room masturbating for a couple hours while thinking what kind of nacho cheese I wanted on my burrito at lunch.
- Almost never daydreamed about riding a horse while sitting in staff meetings.
- Never got caught checking out a hot chick at the gym beyond a reasonable amount as decided by my peers or supervisors.
- Did not crash my car or anyone else's car, only crashed one blimp.
- Successfully maintained auto insurance despite slothfulness.
- Never once coveted my neighbors wife. Not at all.
- Watched sports on the couch in only boxers when nobody else was home only a dozen times.
- Completed and oversaw the construction of an IKEA desk with minimal damage to my person and the desk.
- Only answered the front door in my underwear once, and it was a guy trying to sell me cable and phone service so I felt completely justified.
- Communicated with others in a normal fashion except for that one girl I liked who I stalked and put letters under her door and wrote messages on her windshield while she was sleeping.
- Wanted to run down less than 25 children under the age of 15.
- Wanted to run down more then 60 children under the age of 20 and over the age of 15.
- Ate a whole pizza when I was really hungry.
- Did not give away any of this nation's secrets, also did not divulge any of Blue's Clues.
- Moved across the country and didn't even eat at McDonald's once during the trip.
- Never invited a Jehovah's Witness into the house just so that I had someone to play video games against.
- Only one traffic ticket, and I didn't deserve that one.
- Did not punch any birds, no matter how much they might have deserved it.
- Did not fail any math or science tests.
- Did not pass any math or science tests.
- Did not get called out in front of the entire command that one day during the all hands when I was wearing a shirt pants and tie combination that did not match.
- Never financed a war against a school of dolphins.
- Financed a underground war against the makers of Play-doh for their making such a delicious and yet toxic product.
- Did not kill Santa Claus, despite popular rumors.
- I successfully made it through an entire year without having any eggplant.
- Only came to work without showering first once or twice.
- Did not steal a jet pilot costume so that I could commander a jet, did steal a helicopter pilot outfit but I gave it back pre-joyride.
- Always checked myself before I wrickity wrecked myself.