Phone Law

I've waited a couple months to post this without any incidents, so any of my friends might wonder who the guilty parties are, it could be any of you. I won't name names.

I understand that my phonecalls are the most important things in the world. I understand that hearing from me is possibly the most exciting part of your day and that you can't wait and call me back because you are so excited. But what you should probably do is make sure you aren't distracted too much to understand what I'm saying on the phone. And when I say distracted I mean very specifically you shouldn't be receiveing a blowjob from your girlfriend when you are on the phone with me.

Does it enhance the excitement of being fellatiated? Perhaps. But guys let's be honest here, how much do I want to waste my time on the phone with you when this is happening? 0% of the time, that's how much. Enjoy yourself, have fun! My call can wait, honest, I promise that nothing I tell you will be as fun as what is happening in your pants area at that moment. It's not only disrespectful to me that you aren't giving my your undivided attention, but it is probably disrespectful to your girlfriend, or boyfriend, I don't judge. I just don't want to be involved. Frankly I hope the individuals (and yes there is more then one of you) who are guilty of answering my call whilst having your wang in the good hands/mouth of someone else, were promptly told to do it yourself once you hung up the phone.

It really ought to be against the law, I mean your being rude to at least two people. Chief amongst those is me, but offending your significant other should count for something. I mean they should be able to get you fined for that bullshit, take it to court and it should go on your permanent record. That way when you go out with someone new they can check a list and see if you've been caught in a T.W.B.B. Talking While Being Blown. Try explaining that one to some girl you want to date, "Uhh yeah babe I got a TWBB, but it was no big deal, I paid the fine and had to go to a sex education class." See if she doesn't walk away from you.

Talk to her while she's polishing helmet, tell her you are enjoying it at least. Just don't talk to me and pretend you are paying attention. Because I can tell when it takes you 10 seconds to respond to the question, "What are you up to?" Especially when your answer is, "Uhhhh don't stop, damn that feels good...Oh me, I'm umm, mowing the lawn..."

Perhaps some San Diego is in order?

"I'll miss the sea, but a person needs new experiences. They jar something deep inside, allowing him to grow. Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken." - Duke Leto Atreides in the movie Dune (1984)

So, it looks like I'll be moving to San Diego some time in the end of March. To clarify, I'm moving from a city in which I have plenty of friends, a good job, a gym and racquetball partners I enjoy, and my family, to a city in which I know basically nobody. I'm so excited! It's going to be a great learning experience and I can't wait to see how I handle everything. I've lived in the DC area for what seems like forever, even though it's only been a hair under three years. I've enjoyed this city tremendously but I knew about a year ago I was ready to move on. So I set about the task of finding out where I wanted to go. I picked out a couple places that seemed like fun and narrowed the choices from there. So now I get to go on a cross country adventure!

I have done almost 0 planning for this move and I still need to find out exactly when it's happening. But once I find out the when, I need to figure out the following:
1) Where am I goin got live?
2) How am I moving across the country? (I kinda think that a wagon with oxen ala Oregon trail would be kinda fun)
3) What am I going to take with me? (Oh god I can't leave be hind my Shrek 2 collectible china! Those are virtually irreplacable!)
4) Who am I going to get to help me move? (Please be there for me on this one profesional football player Brett Farve)
5) Why am I wearing this hideous tie?
6) Hey isn't that the guy from Lost on that commercial? I never watch that show but I think it's him?

I think the move will be good for me. There's no reason why I should stay in DC, and frankly nothing here has me really tied down at all. I'm fairly young and vigorous so catching typhoid shouldn't be an issue when I cross the country.

Always look on the brightside

During dinner with my father and my stepmother's family last night we found out that my sister Christina was at the hospital with appendicitis. This put my father into a spiral of worry and if it hadn't been for the bowl of potato chips nearby he might have chewed off his fingers. He was obviously worried and when I asked how she was doing after he talked to her he said, "She'd dying." Which hopefully is not true, after all appendicitis is quite common and although she will have to get her appendix removed it is a fairly common surgery. I hope she pulls through fine but in trying to make fun of the situation last night to lighten the mood I came up with some pretty good pros and cons for her death:

Pro: My father always mixes up my sisters names, especially when he is around both of them. You would think that the different hair color and drastically different look would be a clue, but no. At least it's not like my stepmother who claims to have been called the family dog's name on at least one incident during childhood. The mix-up by my father would hopefully not be an issue anymore.

Con: My parents already paid for her college tuition so that's pretty much a sunk cost.

Pro: I believe you could write off her funeral expenses or something.

Con: My parents would be responsible for her debt instruments, and the word on the street is sistas gots some biillllls.

Pro: We would get all of her stuff.

Con: I don't want any of her stuff and most of her clothes probably won't fit me. Which is a real shame.

Pro: We will no longer have to take into account her vegetarian lifestyle when it comes to cooking Christmas and thanksgiving dinner. No more tofurky or salmon.

Con: Less presents at Christmas time, although she never gives me presents so I guess that's more of a push.

Pro: This was the last year she could count as a deductible dependant on my parents tax forms, so they won't be feeling the taxman's wrath any more then they already were.

Con: She won't be there to have a child so the pressure will be more intense on me to produce a grandchild…or a great grandchild depending on who is criticizing me.

Pro: One less person that knows my secret identity.

Con: My life will be less filled with fantastical and unbelievable stories about why she can't attend family functions.

Pro: We'll have finally got rid of the one blonde girl in our immediate family that kinda had people who meet us scratching their heads and wondering what the mailman looked like. Then we show them pictures of my great aunt and they are nearly identical to those of my sister. We had a very active mailman…

Con: She won't be able to contribute to the fund I'll start for my parents wellbeing in their retirement years.

Pro: Less people trying to steal my kidneys.

Con: She sometimes had hot friends that I would get to meet, and then never see again…

Con: One less smart biologist around to help me find the recipe for immortality.

Con: If she has surgery and doesn't make it then I won't get to make fun of her for being less of a person, literally since they are taking part of her out.

So all in all I hope her surgery goes well, I hope that I'll get good news very soon regarding her recovery time. Luckily she has health insurance and loving parents to help her. Her older brother might even be sympathetic too, in fact I know he is, he's hoping the right now as he's writing this she gets better. Because at the end of the day even with all the quirks and bumps and bruises she is still my sister and I'll be godamned if any infection will take the joy of killing her from me.

Why the fiction

I haven't written much lately that I thought was really good. Maybe it's time for me to get the old yeller treatment. You can tell my family and friends that I went to a farm to go play with other 25 year olds after you shoot me! I have lots of ideas on the shelf, or partly written. Also spring is here finally so it will be tough to justify staying inside and writing instead of going outdoors. But I'm dedicated enough to do it.

I got a disturbing text message from my sister last night at 1 in the morning. Thanks Elizabeth, I appreciate that you are out drinking on a thursday night and you felt the need to contact me. I appreciate it, really, I mean that. It honestly doesn't bother me when I get drunk dialed by my siblings, sometimes they have important things they need to speak about and only a liberal amount of libations can fuel their outpouring of feelings. But what disturbs me more was the message that she passed on. She said that, and I quote, "Cm says hi. Just met her at macgrady's sorry if this wales you up" And then, "I don't know. abangeing to her you had sex with her she said"

What the hell? First of all I don't know who she's talking about, so that is lame. I've never called anyone Cm in my life, so I'm clueless there. Second, and far more important, I would know if I had sex with this person, I didn't, because I know everyone I've had sex with and none of them would tell my little sister that they did it with me in the bathroom of a college bar when they were back visiting Lehigh. But even more perturbing is why someone would admit that (lying) to my little sister at a bar anyway? I mean jesus christ, how does that even come up? In the restroom no less.

Lastly, and this is probably the most important part, why would someone lie about sleeping with me? It's a pretty exclusive club to be sure but I'm not exactly the kind of catch that one would brag about so what the hell? It has me kinda pissed off, and it is very definitely a case of mistaken identity but still I have no idea who heard her say this, I have no idea what the impact might be. Maybe none, most likely none, but who knows. It's the kind of shit that should either A) never be spoken or B) kept in confidentiality and never said in a public place. I think I'm probably overreacting here, but I'd say the lack of sleep has something to do with it. Basically I wish I had an ice cream cone...or a milkshake, and a nap, and a beautiful woman by my side. Although perhaps not all at once, because if I took a nap with a beautiful woman while I had a milkshake it would probably spill on one or both of us. That might ruin the nap. Mmmmmm nap.

Holy shit I got it right for once

Wow, so for once in my life I actually got the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament down pretty well. Normally I will get at least 2 final four teams right, last year I got all 4 right but had both teams in the finals wrong, I also put in a ton of effort and watched most of the conference tournaments last year. This year not so much, I basically saw a few games and picked with my heart. As usual, my heart was right, once again proving that although my head is reasonably good, my heart is 98% correct all the time. Especially when it comes to picking college basketball teams. So now everyone that knows me, and every one who has worked with me can be like, "Yeah I once knew a guy who got 98% right in his NCAA tournament bracket, no big deal. He had so much heart it was amazing!" I wonder if this qualifies me for MENSA, or some other type of super brain type think tank? Of course it could be that I just got lucky and did no analysis whatsoever.

Also I'm cold as ice because your problems bring a smile to my face. Booya.

Lazy ways to do things

I was laying in bed last night and I realized that all my blankets and sheets were discombobulated. So instead of turning on the light and making my bed, I decided to opt for the making the bed while I was still in it with the lights off trick. Needless to say it had mixed results. On one hand I didn't have to leave the bed, on the other it was a messy and terribly complicated process, the consequences of which still have yet to be seen. It was actually quite comical, as I struggled for about 5 minutes or so to get it right. The irony of course being I was too lazy to do it properly and it would have taken me 30 seconds to hop out of bed, turn the light on, make my bed, and crawl back in. Of course I'm very ironic at 2 in the morning so it struck me that maybe I should think of other things that would be lazy but more difficult and time consuming to do.

1) Walking your dog without a leash. It takes 10 seconds to put on a leash, but sometimes the dog doesn't feel like coming when you call and sometimes you have to chase them and call their name out. If you'd just used the damn leash it wouldn't be an issue. Of course your dog can hate you forever for putting them in a constraining leash and then they are going to grow up and be all dark and moody and they will listen to bad depressing music. The ideal solution? Buy dog walking robot!

2) Cooking when you aren't sure you have all the ingredients. You didn't feel like going to the store to pick up milk, or even checking to see if you had milk, but now that your halfway through making your mac and cheese you have to do more work to fix the meal by driving to the store and balancing the heat on the burner so that you don't overcook things. The ideal solution? Order pizza so all you have to do is move to the door.

3) Folding your laundry. Sure it takes time to fold your laundry, but it takes even longer to have to iron something because its too wrinkled to wear in public. I hate folding laundry with a passion, all in all it might be my least favorite thing to do. I don't mind doing laundry, but folding it is like torture for me. I'd say about 80% of the laundry I do remains unfolded, and it always comes back to bite me in the ass when I need to actually wear said clothes. The ideal solution? Hire someone or marry someone to do my laundry for me, hiring someone will probably be cheaper.

4) Writing your blog. Too lazy to write all of your post now? No problem finish it later. Too bad your train of thought won't be the same and you might not remember what you are trying to do. It will take twice as much work to remember what points you were going to bring up and how you were going to write them. Writing something about being lazy? Don't worry about making notes to figure out which things would be funny, you'll remember them later...not. Then it just looks like you half assed it.

Adventures in Sleep

Last night I was exhausted at 9 PM. Naturally the thing to do when you are exhausted is go to bed, turn off the light and get a good night's sleep. However it's not that way for everyone. For example last night I went to bed, turned out the lights, and proceeded to lay in my bed awake until my alarm went off this morning. No sleep, not one little bit, I got out of bed and was just as tired as I was when I went to bed, it is extremely frustrating. When I first closed my eyes everything shut down except my brain. My head just got it's engine going and didn't stop all night, I become the godamn little engine that could but doesn't really want to.

It's more or less like this every single night for me. Sometimes I get bored of sitting in bed and I will get up and read, or write, or very rarely I will watch TV. But the fact remains that on an average day I get between 0-3 hours of sleep and it's been this way for abotu 10 months. I took my ability to sleep for granted, and while I will never again not relish a good couple hours of sleep, I really to yearn for the time when 8 hours of sleep was easy to come by. The only way I get that now is if I'm blackout drunk, and not even then sometimes. Sleep is one of those things you absolutely need, and you can't make it up if you aren't getting it one night. It affects every stupid aspect of your life when you aren't sleeping. It's damn unhealthy, like having an addiction to picking fights with people bigger then you, but without the added benefit of visable bruises.

When I first started having sleep problems I assumed that at some point I would just outright crash and sleep for like a day or so. But that's not how it works. I thought that the reasons for my lack of sleep had gone away, the stress pr whatever was causing it, but it hasn't. I've had people tell me that they wish they were insomniacs, all I can say to them is, "No you don't, trust me you want nothing to do with it." It wrecks you, it just crushes you and it is basically all you can keep doing to lead a normal life. Everyone says I should go see a doctor but I've seen a doctor, they want me to do a sleep study and then get on some kind of sleep medication. I won't do that, I just won't, I will not eat green eggs and ham or take sleep medicine sam I am.