Evils of the phone

You know those people who can effortlessly hold a phone between their shoulder and ear and do other tasks with their hands free from phone use? I wish I could do that, I can't I suck at it. I think most moms pick up the skill from either cooking with while on the phone, or handling children while on the phone (I believe that handling children is a task that necessitates the use of two hands...and sometimes a big wooden spoon). I've known women to be able to handle talking on the phone while preparing the most difficult culinary tasks in the world. I almost never see guys who are able to pull off this feat of balance. I try sometimes, especially while at work and trying to find information while talking to someone. Usually I can hold the phone for about 5 seconds before disaster strikes. Here is a time line of my attempt to hold the phone between my head and shoulder:

1 second: Phone is placed firmly between ear and shoulder, confidence is high as there appears to be no slippage. Conversation is normal.

2 seconds: Hands are being used for typing phone moves a little bit, attempt to compensate for movement begins. Conversation level has dropped slightly.

3 seconds: By typing and trying to balance phone, my conversation becomes disjointed and strange, party on the other end of phone becomes confused. Attempt to compensate for slippery phone has resulted in major phone discombobulation and a last attempt at correcting the phone position is made.

4 seconds: All out chaos reigns supreme, all vestments of previous actions are abandoned. Typing becomes impossible due to dexterity necessary to prevent eminent doom. Speaking on the phone may cease to make any sense to anyone within listening distance, the insane and confused babble of the damned comes forth from my lips. My shoulder finally loses control and the phone takes a flight path of it's own.

5 seconds: Depending on how fast I am, I either a) reach up and grab the phone to stop it from falling or b) the phone falls while my body remains confused. In the case of a, I try to continue my conversation and pretend that nothing happened, I also start to type with one hand and will attempt to compensate for my slow typing with more words to make it seem to the party on the phone that I am more knowledgeable and not typing with one finger like someone who has never learned to type. I will sometimes blame the speed of the computer for the lack of quick information. In the case of b, the phone falls and hits either the desk or the ground. In an attempt to save face I will likely run from my office screaming, leaving the party on the other side of the phone to wonder what evil has befallen me. Weeks later they will receive a letter from me in scribbled red ink that makes little to no sense except that it answers whatever question they were asking me, thus enhancing the believability that I was molested by something of an outworldly nature. This image is more important to me than letting someone know I was unable to balance the phone to my ear.

I know there are some very easy ways to remedy this situation. I could just practice balancing the phone. I could get a hands free headset, or even talk on speakerphone. But frankly those solutions are far to practical and situations where I need to talk with both hands free on the phone come up infrequently. It is just a skill I wish I had, because frankly the cost of red ink for all these letters is eating into my pocketbook.