Regret

Regret can be an ugly thing. I try to have as few regrets as possible, I've known people who try to do the same thing. But at the end of the day there are always some things that linger in my mind much longer then maybe they should. After all I've only met one or two people in my entire life who I ever thought truly lived their lives with out regrets or things that they could have done differently.


There are always specific moments of my life that I wish I had done differently, most of them wouldn't have mattered in the grand scheme of things. But some of those things aren't necessarily one moment. Some of and specifically one of the regrets I have revolves around an entire night. Just one night that could have been so great and yet at every opportunity I had inside of that night to make it great I screwed up. It's hard to remember what my motivations were or what I was trying to do or prove. It's hard to imagine why I made some of the choices I did, or said some of the things that I said. Every time I think about it I replay different times of that night, from different angles, and I try to run the different possibilities and what might have become had I done things better, or not even better but just differently.


I just hate how one night fills me with so much regret. How the consequences of that night still haven't played out yet, and all I can do is wonder how they will play out and if I fucked certain things up to badly for repair. I wonder how the consequences would play out if I had done things the way I meant, or in a way I wouldn't have such bad feelings about.

The worst is when you regret small things, when you regret the way you say something or the way you imply something. It sucks when it's not what you meant or it was misunderstood and you just wish that you could explain in detail, and do it right. But lots of times life doesn't give you those second chances, sometimes you miss when life is giving you that chance and you miss it. It is hard to learn from your mistakes when you aren't in a position to correct them, when you don't ever have the opportunity to make the correct choice. Life is about change and learning but it really illustrates some of life's beauty when you accept that things are about learning and changing and you still don't get a chance to show that you've learned.

I guess at the end of the day I really hate regret, I hate that it enters my mind and sits there like a poison. Like a television show rerun that you are watching but instead you are the star and all you are left with are the memories of what you did. I really do wish I could lead my life with no regret. Because I think people without regrets are much happier.