Sad really

I try to only put down mostly positive thoughts in public. I don't always do so well at that but I try, although Yoda would scold me. But the truth of it is that a great deal of my writing and thoughts are negative. Lots and lots of unpublished writings deal with heartbreak and hurt and frustrations about how I feel. Lots of time I do free writings and then go back and edit them and tuck away all these negative things I don't really want other people to necessarily read. I mean, I do want people to read them, but I also don't. I guess I shouldn't be so self absorbed.

The honest truth is I don't have alot to be upset or angry about. I don't have any drama in my life and not much hardship is coming my way. I am not in danger of losing my job and I'm not worried about where my next meal is coming from. I don't have to worry about raising my kids or worry about my own safety. All in all I live a charmed life at this point frankly, so I shouldn't have so much to hate myself for or so much angst about what goes on in my life. It's silly and childish to feel the way I do. But with all that being said I still do spend a tremendous amount of time being critical of myself and everything I do, and it shows up in my writing. It also shows up in my thoughts every night from the time I lay down to bed to the time I fall asleep, which is normally 5 or 6 hours. That's alot of self loathing to go around.

Ther are so many things I wish I'd done. I used to think I don't bear many regrets, I used to believe that you shouldn't have regrets and that you shouldn't worry about what is past, you should look forward. But every day I have hours and hours to reflect on what I've done, where I've failed, and where I could have done things differently. I can't help it, I try to sleep and my mind starts spinning about anything and everything, and with regular certainty those thoughts turn sour and I eat away at myself.

I remember having confidence and charm and interesting things to say to people. I remember thinking that there was nothing that I couldn't beat, or nothing that could stop me. I look back at old things I wrote and things were much more positive, sure there were bumps and bruises here and there but nothing that could stagger or even sway my confidence. I remember having dreams of love, and goals and thoughts of the things I want and having a clear understanding of what it took to go to those places. But now I find myself having accomplished some of the things I thought I needed to do and I find my dreams and goals unfufilled, and now I'm not sure I'll ever see those things I wanted. It drives me to work harder, it drives me to want those things I wanted more, and yet the more I do that the farther away those things seem, always out of my grasp, always elusive. I find my confidence to be non-existant, in it's place is an acting job. Where once there was an undeniable inner power and cockiness, now there is bullheaded self righteousness and impecible morality. Cold hard morality that covers for for my confidence, it is such a bullshit way to deal with things but morality lets you do things like back out of situations or problems you want to deal with because the potential consequences aren't within the moral code or structure you now rely on as you inner core. Where there used to be a call to arms to conquer or challenge life, now exists a shell of compromise and morals that provide an escape route to back down from things and rhetoric to justify it. What happened to my confidence? I know to some extent to where it disappeared, but why do I have none now? Why can't I muster any? Why must I rely on other things to bolster myself into action?

Ha, this probably reads like nonsense, with no rhyme or real justification. I shouldn't even post it. I've run out of steam in terms of trying to explain it or even try to defend the way I feel on this particular subject (me being the subject). Whatever, quit whining Marty.