How Nivea ruined my life

I'm a pretty simple guy when it comes to hygiene products. I use one kind of soap, and I know I'm supposed to use it because is says "SOAP" in big letters on the side of the box and in smaller print it says skin cleansing body soap, not really much ambiguity. I mean, I've got a body and on that body is skin that needs to be clean, so it's pretty straightforward. I use one brand of de-odorant because it is simple and says, "Long lasting pure sport" on the side and has a picture of a ship. I think there is another kind but I don't try it because long ago I flipped a coin and this has worked ever since. It is intuitive and easy to follow which is great because if it was any more complicated I wouldn't be able to figure it out, apply here, don't smell, rejoice. I mean, yes there are two kinds of this de-odorant but even so that whole debacle was decided by a coin flip and I've never looked back. The same is true for all of my hygiene products.

Well, recently I ran out of facial wash. I had used Nivea's (tm) Face Wash for Men. Again not really much to be confused about so long as the following applied to me:
1) I am a man; check
2) I have a face; check
3) If #2 is true, then do you need to wash your face; check
With all three things in order I knew that I should apply face wash to my soiled face to improve conditions. Well, after running out of my latest tube (I didn't know whether to call it a tube or a bottle because it runs somewhere in between, not quite a tube not quite a bottle, and I think calling it a "thing of face wash" was too general so I flipped a coin) I went to the store to pick out a new tube. When I arrived at the face wash section, I was horrified but what lay before me. Instead of having one all purpose facial wash, Nivea had decided to make 4 different kinds of facial wash (soft skin, normal to dry skin, normal to oily skin, and some other monstrosity that scared me) and had discontinued the very simple, very likeable "Face Wash for Men".

Well what the hell was I going to do? I'm not qualified to make some kind of judgment as to the quality or type of my skin. I'm not some kind of dermatologist, who goes around judging other people's skin. My thought process goes so far as to identify, in most cases, somebody's sex. I never go so far as to categorize their skin into one of several different flavors. My friends and I don't walk through public places and go, "Man, did you see that chick's skin, it was totally normal to dry!" I also didn't want to go see a doctor, since you can imagine how intelligent I might feel during that conversation:
"So Marty What brings you here today?"
"Well doc it's kind of embarrassing, I'm not sure I want to talk about it. it might be a waste of your time."
"Oh it's alright, there is complete confidentiality!"
"Ok well, I was wondering what you would qualify my skin as, 1-4?"
"Get out of my office right now you imbecile, and may god have mercy on your heathen soul!"

I couldn't just flip a coin either, there are four choices here, what was I going to do, have a mini coin flipping tournament to decide the winner? I could see the police write-up now, "Defendant was caught being really weird and creepy in a CVS. According to witnesses he was playing with a coin and jumping in the air yelling (I get really excited about coin flips)" I also wasn't about to go home, find a four-sided dice and bring it back and decide my face wash Dungeon's and Dragon's style. Because what if I chose poorly? With two choices it's pretty easy. You pick heads or tails and then try the other one if the first doesn't work. But with four choices it's an entirely different ball game, I could try one, fail, and still have three other choices, and they don't make 3 sided dice.

So without any options I ran from the store, scared and confused about this terrible chain of events. I had a fear in my heart, not because I desperately needed face wash, but because what if the other products I used decided to do this to me. My entire nice neat little world of hygiene products would be destroyed and I'd be left in an aisle of a store crying to myself in a little ball.

With certain resolve and a plan I tricked a female co-worker to come with me to purchase face wash after I bought her lunch. She was able to quickly and decisively pick a face wash that suited my needs (see questions 1-3). Crisis averted, for now. But here's the problem, I only have so many female co-workers/friends that can help me decide when faced with this kind of dilemma. I wouldn't want to impose on one every time this might happen. Eventually the number of choices will overrun the number of female experts that can help me with these problems, and asking another guy doesn't seem like a great solution. So either I'm going to have to hope that a day never comes when all of the simple products I use split up into complex choices (and picking between 8 different kinds of soap is a fate worse then death), or educate myself about all these products and how the differences might affect me (an unlikely choice given my preferences and the fact that I don't like the metro-sexual life style), or I will have to stop using the products all together. Please be the first one, I'm hoping really hard!